Memento Vita

Author name: anna_sinistra -- author LiveJournal, author email
Recipient name: Corinna
Requested character(s): Barbara Gordon
Story title: Memento Vita
Rating: PG-13
Acknowledgments: Thanks to faith_of_borg for beta-ing.

Memento vita

Watching Dick move is like poetry. He flies through the air withthe greatest of ease. He always did. Whether hunting down the haplesscriminals of Bludhaven or working off excess energy on a rooftop, he alwaysmoves with a certain grace. A sense of showmanship, most likely a holdoverfrom his circus days.

I used to move like that. Exuding a careless joy while kicking ass indowntown Gotham. A vixen in yellow heels. Now I move with a different sortof grace, my fingers flying fast over the keyboard as I once used to overthe streets of the city. Only here, at my console, or even in the poolwith my legs weightless behind me, do I move with the effortless ease thatI once did. That I see now in my operatives. And Dick.

I know what it is like to know what I'm missing. But despite what theFormer Boy Wonder and the Dark Knight persist in believing, I don't actuallymiss it all that much. Every now and then it hits me hard. At first I haddifficulty coping. Then I adapted. Rebuilt myself from the groundup. I was tossed headfirst into the fire and came out of it stronger. Iwas forged in the flame. And this new self was suddenly capable of doingso much more.

No matter how much more I do now, it feels as if my father and Dickare forever doomed to see me as I once was. As if this new self is somehowless whole, less Babs than the girl I used to be. Bruce doesn’thelp the situation. It occasionally feels as though he’s humoring me byusing Oracle. That he doesn’t really need me. Just perpetuating the notionthat little Barbara needs help, that she’s somehow less than she was whenshe was Batgirl.

When you’re ripped away from the life you’d made for yourself, whatdo you have left to help you get through it? The people you love. And itonly makes it that much harder, makes it hurt so much more whenyou think that they prefer the old you. As much as it hurts to look atShort Pants, seeing him make his way through the population of masks inthe community. We’re both too messed up for this to work right now. He’sgot his Bat-related issues, and I’ve got mine. A matched set, if ever wewere.

I don't need to relive my glory days vicariously through Dick. Or evenDinah. Really, I don't. I’m doing what I do best. I research, I plan, andthen I send them out to do my bidding. And I don’t resent not being outthere with them. It's nice to be the man behind the curtain. No one paysattention. And when no one pays attention, it is possible to do so muchmore good. They say that it's always the quiet ones. The quiet, the small,the underestimated.

But sometimes the nostalgia gets to be a bit much, even for me. Andthen I flip on my surveillance cameras and I watch Dick in motion. Andwhen I do, I almost feel like I'm there. Like I'm flying with him throughthe streets like we did long ago.

Almost.

Reference images taken from the cover BIRDS OF PREY #58 and BATGIRL: YEAR ONE #7.

If you enjoyed this story, please comment here.