Taedium Vitae
by Te
9/98

Disclaimers: Mulder and Alex aren't mine, dammit, but my 
mama says I'm old enough for my wants not to hurt me. Sigh. 
Anatoly's mine, though.

Spoilers: None. At all.

Ratings Note: Weak R for language, some violence, and 
vaguely sexual references.

Summary: Mulder has a conversation.

Author's Note: Another moment from my _A Love of Dead 
Things_ universe. In chronological order:

"Freeze"
"This Night"
"Never So Alive"
"The Idea of Forever"
"And No Other"
"Evil Eye"
"Time"
"Taedium Vitae"

I'd love it if you read everything I wrote, but I think 
only "Freeze," "This Night," "And No Other," and "Time" are 
necessary pre-reading for this one.

Acknowledgments: Massive amounts of love for Dawn Sharon, 
who took my bitching and moaning about this series and  
poked and prodded until I made it into a story. To the  
marvelous Alicia, earning her status as Prime Beta yet 
*again* with patient, relentless, and obsessive attention 
to this story. Thanks also go to Pretty Pretty Dawn Pares 
for the title and to her and Dreamer for many helpful 
suggestions. And, of course, to my sweetness and dark, my 
Sister Blue. All remaining errors and ambiguities are, as 
always, entirely my own fault.

Feedback: Please, please, please.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taedium Vitae
by Te
Daddy793@aol.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mulder stood before the fireplace. The basalt was dark with 
old ash and smoke, the interior filled with wood in varying 
stages of char. The scent made him hungry for that 
approximation of oblivion he'd found here, night after 
night, for months.

But he'd promised to try.

He plucked at the sleeves of the shirt, smoothed the old 
jeans. This was part of trying. Clean, neat appearance. 
Make yourself ready to get out and -- Lord help us all -- 
interact with the outside world. Get some exercise. Mulder 
wondered how well an attempt to get some sun would go over. 

And Alex... Alex was so damned easy to please. Hunt, snark, 
maybe smile and the younger man would grin like a twelve 
year old. Sometimes it felt like Alex was one bitten lip 
from blurting out something along the lines of "There, now 
that wasn't so hard, was it?" No good could possibly come 
out of answering a question like that.

But he'd promised to try. The fireplace would be dark 
tonight, and just as cold as he was. 

Wash of soap-smell and steam announced Alex's presence.  He 
was always there, really. A subtle pressure at the base of 
the spine. A voice at his ear.

"What can I do?"

Always, always the unspoken 'beloved.' Mulder wondered if 
Alex counted the number of times he used the word, allowed 
himself a quota of them per day.

"Mulder? Talk to me. Please."

An arm around his waist, the whisper of warmth from the 
shower settling against his back...

"Nothing, Alex. Just... just leave me alone for now, OK?"

Mulder felt a slight stiffening, but Alex still planted a 
soft kiss on his shoulder before moving away. 

*****

"Anatoly."

"Hmm...?" His own instinctive response snapped Mulder back 
to himself. Still life in black jeans, arms firmly wrapped 
around his own torso. His body language made him ill. 

"I told you about him, Mulder. He's the one who... who made 
me. Trained me. He's coming."

He turned to find Alex half in and half out of the 
stubbornly pristine armchair, book tossed carelessly to the 
floor, expression a sort of dreamy excitement. "Why?"

Small, brief frown, but Alex's eyes were far away. "I don't 
know... I haven't seen him since I left Russia."

Mulder made his tone light. "Is he coming to take you 
back?"

A grin. "Or kill me for the mess I made of his club before 
I left... I never told you about that?"

"No." 

"Oh... long story. There was this nosy cop, and too many 
fucking candles and--"

The low purr of an expensive engine in the driveway cut him 
off. Alex was immediately out of the chair and out of the 
house.  Mulder watched at the window. Anatoly was a little 
shorter than Alex, black hair and curiously light eyes. 
Dark, travel rumpled suit. He took Alex in his arms and 
held him close, moon-bright smile very clear at this 
distance. When they pulled apart, though, Anatoly's 
expression darkened almost immediately. He shot a glance 
toward Mulder and tugged a mostly unresisting Alex into the 
car.

It was impossible to believe they were talking about 
anything but him. Mulder left the window and went around 
back to the deck. Settled himself in one of the low-slung 
patio chairs and waited. The next thing he was aware of was 
an iron hand around his throat, a marked lack of floor 
under his feet, and the relentlessly even dig of the 
aluminum siding into his spine.

"I take it you've come to kill me?"

His voice was a low and unfamiliar whistle. It had been a 
long time since anyone had been able to overpower him.

"Right now it seems like an excellent idea, Mulder." 

Anatoly's tone was a bright tenor, though the accent was 
mostly undefinable.

"Finish it, then. I'm tired of this."

Mulder immediately found himself tossed with bruising force 
back into his chair. He landed with a thump that sent the 
thing -- and him in it -- reeling dangerously close to the 
edge of the deck. Anatoly dragged one of the other chairs 
to a point opposite Mulder and perched. 

"Could you stop posturing for just *one* moment? Do you 
really think you're the only vampire to suffer from 
depression?"  Mulder opened his mouth to speak, but Anatoly 
just barreled on. "Let me see if I've got this right: 'Oh, 
I shouldn't be enjoying myself so much, oh I'm killing so 
many people...' Blah blah blah. Get over it. If it wasn't 
you it would be AIDS. A car crash. Or, God help them, *old 
age*."

"Wha--"

"People die every day without doing a damn thing with it. 
Useless deaths. Your victims... at least they're dying for 
a *reason*."

"Keeping me alive to kill more people?"

"Well, I didn't say it was a *good* reason."

"This is pointless. You're not taking me seriously--"

"And why should I?"

"Were you even going to kill me at all?"

"Mulder, Mulder, Mulder! You're not a person, you're an 
archetype."
 
"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I mean, You're the attractively suffering vampire. You're 
an intelligent young man; doesn't that grate a little 
against your sense of originality?"

Mulder was silent for a moment, took the time to settle 
himself more comfortably in the chair. "You know, I can see 
how Alex fell for you--"

"You're assuming he had a choice."

"Wha--"

"Nothing, it doesn't matter." Mulder twitched internally at 
the interruption. "Look, I know what you're going to say. 
You think I'm ignoring some fundamental truth, don't you?"

Mulder settled back in his chair, eyed the man 
speculatively.  "Yes. You are. We're killing people. Lots 
of them. Every day. That can't ever be right."

"So what does right have to do with anything, Mulder? 
You're not God."

"Oh, we're going to discuss religion, now?"

"If you'd like. I've spent a lot of time in monasteries..."

"Is there a joke to follow that?"

"Not really. Let's just say they're wonderful places to 
decompress after a relationship with someone like you."

"The abuse can stop any time, you know."

"Can it? Seems to me it's been going on for quite a while."

"So this is about Alex?"

"I care about Alexei deeply, true. But this is only about 
him insofar as it relates to his feelings about you."

"Killer, theologian, roving Immortal Relationship 
Counselor?"

"Again, Mulder, if you'd like. I'd say you were lucky I 
found this sort of behavior charming, but then you're still 
of the opinion that you want to die."

"Are you going to tell me what I want and don't want?" He 
was only a little surprised by the low, dangerous quality 
of his own voice.

"If I wanted to, I could make you believe you desperately 
needed to tear your mother to shreds."

"Are you suggesting I let you give me some sort of... of 
moral lobotomy?"

"Perhaps I haven't been clear. You allow me *nothing*."

Mulder just stared until Anatoly caught the bridge of his 
nose between thumb and forefinger. 

"I'm sorry, Mulder. That was rude of me. I only wish to 
talk."

"What you *want* is to make me see the world the way you 
do, Anatoly."

"Well, isn't that what all discussion is about? The 
attempt, with varying degrees of politesse, to bring 
another person around? Oh, we can call it all sorts of 
high-handed things, sharing ideas, whatever. In the end, we 
all want to be right."

"I may be young compared to you, but I'm not a child."

"I know, I'm sorry... I'm afraid I've spent much of this 
past century being rather pedantic."

"Comes with the territory, I suppose. Look, the point is 
that I spent my life hunting, fighting, and kill--"

"Your life is over."

"If that's true, why can't I just be dead?"

Mulder watched the way the corners of Anatoly's mouth 
tightened as he gathered his thoughts. It was a forcible 
reminder of Alex, but the sound of the other man's voice 
was an inescapable tug to the present.

"Answer me this: Would you have been able to catch the 
monsters if you thought of them as monsters?"

"Touche. Profilers learn to know them, to empathize... But 
that doesn't change the fact that we're doing all those 
things for the purpose of *stopping* them."

"And you were never... intrigued?"

"Of course I was; I wouldn't have been human if I wasn't. 
That's not the point. Those people had decided to view the 
rest of the human race as something Other, and preyed on 
them. They needed to be stopped."

"Because there are rules?"

"You make it sound so... artificial. How can you do that? 
Was it a conscious decision? You were mortal once, 
yourself."

"Yes, I was. I'm not any longer, and neither are you and 
Alex. But profile me, Mulder. What do you see?"

Mulder paused for a moment, looked up at the night sky. 
There were nuances to the indigo he'd missed while alive. 
There were sounds he hadn't known. There was little joy in 
knowing these things -- at least, none that lasted for very 
long. He looked at Anatoly again.

"You decided when you were very young that there had to be 
more to life than what you were living. You decided you 
were better than... whoever was around you. It wasn't 
arrogance, just simple truth. You never, ever lied to 
yourself. That was the coping mechanism of the weak. 

"Of course, all these decisions just made it easier to 
distance yourself from the rest of the species. Were you a 
soldier? Maybe. Not unless there was some chance for you to 
rise through the ranks, though. You'd never have been able 
to stomach taking orders from anyone who lacked your own... 
worth.

"If you did kill before whatever happened to make you a 
vampire occurred--"

Mulder broke off at a very loud eyebrow quirk from Anatoly, 
and shifted a bit in his chair before continuing.

"If you did kill, you probably made a point of getting over 
it quickly. Because you were just doing what was necessary, 
therefore you had no right to feel bad about it. Weak and 
silly to do otherwise.

"However, unless you're a biological devoid, the natural 
impulses against taking the life of one of your own had to 
be going *somewhere*. And that's what I don't understand. 
You quite obviously care about Alex. You've hinted there 
were others. Why doesn't the rest of the human race count?

"Or, how am I supposed to believe in the reality of those 
feelings you claim? It certainly seems more logical for you 
to have simply convinced yourself -- people like you are 
good at that -- that you were the sort of person who 
*should* care for a certain other sort of person."

There was a silence. At last, Mulder said,  "I apologize. 
You can understand that I'm taking these things... 
personally."

A nod. "One of the things I pride myself on is the ability 
to hear the truth about myself, of course." Anatoly smiled 
wryly before continuing, "But you're missing the point, 
too."

"Enlighten me. I'm not in the habit of asking questions 
just to hear myself talk. Anymore."

"Well, first tell me this: What 'natural impulses' are you 
talking about? The only members of our 'own kind' we don't 
automatically try to kill -- without conditioning -- are 
those we recognize as blood kin, and those we're looking to 
screw."

"I take it you don't subscribe to the theory that every man 
is your brother."

"It just doesn't *work* that way. You know that as well as 
I do."

"Rules, conditioning. You certainly know how to push my 
buttons."

"I've had a few years to practice."

Mulder snorted. "The point is, sometimes chaos is wrong. 
It's all well and good to have an open mind and take nature 
as it comes... But I've killed, and if I'm not stopped I'll 
kill again."

"So why haven't you stopped yourself? You're the monster-
killer, after all. Why does there have to be all this... 
this *melodrama*?"

"Stop making such a fuss over my life and death?"

"You're archetyping again."

"Sorry, I guess I've just needed to get this out."

"Understandable. But..."

"Why haven't I killed myself?"

"Yes."

"Because I'm a coward?"

"Is that your answer?"

"Yes. No. I'm really not sure... I have to admit, I haven't 
gone into this very deeply."

"Why not?"

"Because my mother was weak and my father an alcoholic 
abuser, doctor."

"Come, come, Mulder. Turnabout's fair play, isn't it?"

"When did this get to be about fairness? Remember, all the 
dead people?"

"This is about you, right now, Mulder. And all the dead 
people.  If you're so sickened by yourself why didn't you 
just snap Alex's neck one night after fucking him and creep 
up to the roof to wait for dawn? Throw yourself in a 
fireplace -- I noticed you have a large one -- and go up 
the chimney?"

"I thought we'd already established that I didn't know." 

"But we've also established that you're a brilliant 
profiler. How hard can it be?"

"Some of us are fonder of self-deceit than others."

"The very fact you could *say* that puts the lie to it, 
Mulder."

"That sounds like a word puzzle--"

"Stop fucking around."

"Tell me this: What *is* this existence about, then? We're 
not alive, we're not dead, we kill again and again..."

"I'm more alive than the vast majority of those people you 
claim to be so worried about."

"And that makes you superior?"

"No, but it certainly makes me feel that way. You make it 
too easy to skate around on the surface of things. Where 
was I?"

"I believe we were studiously not talking about why I 
haven't just offed myself."

"This is the point where Alexei flings himself at you, 
isn't it?"

"Lord, that point passed *hours* ago."

Anatoly laughed then, and the sound was clean, nearly 
simple.

"I do want to answer your question, Mulder. But it's hard 
not to sound like a bad musical number when you're talking 
about the meaning of life."

"And if you're depressed you wind up sounding like bad 
industrial."

"I'll take your word on that."

"I'm really not an idiot; I know what you're trying to 
say... Christ, Alex finds a new way to say it every fucking 
day. 'We've got this new life, and it's very beautiful, and 
even the ugly parts have their own internal loveliness, so 
why can't you just settle back and enjoy it? And could you 
please eat more? I worry.'"

"And of course it bothers you that he worries."

Silence.

"Don't look at me that way. Don't you think it's time you 
talked about some of these things?"

"Nobody likes a touchy-feely vampire."

"All right, all right. You don't want to talk about this. 
How did you wind up with Alexei anyway?"

"You couldn't just ask an easy question?"

"It's against the rules for touchy-feely vampires."

Mulder snorted, put his head in his hands for a moment. "He 
would've gone with you anyway, you know. You didn't have 
to... have to do whatever it is you did."

"That worries you, does it? You wonder if I took him 
against his will. Raped him."

"Well, you hinted at that very thing earlier. I've gotten 
the impression you don't do that very much unless it's 
important.  Lay it out in a breadcrumb trail for the 
contrary sonofabitch, right? Too obvious and he'll only 
curl his lip and walk away?"

"It only arouses me when you show those flashes of self-
awareness, Mulder."

Mulder chose to ignore the tease. "Why didn't he have a 
choice? What did you do to him?"

"Two very different questions... He didn't have a choice 
because he walked right into our -- Natalia, Josef, and my 
-- literal parlor, and he was very beautiful, and very 
deceitful, and he reminded us too much of ourselves..." He 
pursed his lips for a brief moment before catching Mulder's 
gaze again.  "Just under the surface was both pain and 
predator. Your eyes are far away. It sounds quite familiar, 
doesn't it?"

Dismissive gesture. "Of course it does. Did.... Did you 
hurt him?"

"Perhaps a little more than he hurt you." A look that 
forced Mulder to acknowledge the foolishness of the 
question. "It *is* in his nature to struggle..." Small, 
private smile. "He didn't know us, after all."

Mulder winced. "Where is he now?"

"I sent him hunting."

"You *sent* him hunting?"

A chuckle. "Well, I promised him I wouldn't kill you unless 
it was *absolutely* necessary." 

"It doesn't seem right for him to be missing this."

"Yes, all this honesty. Heaven forbid you actually tell 
*him* any of this."

"You're just getting bitchier as the night rolls on, you 
know."

"Yes, I know. I've been told it's a good look on me."

Mulder restrained the urge to roll his eyes. "Where were 
we?"

"I believe you were going to tell me how you wound up with 
Alexei in the first place."

"I... I'm not entirely sure. There were killings, and 
disappearances, and I saw Alex at one of the scenes. I 
followed him--" Mulder cut himself off with a snort. "I 
suppose he *let* me follow him. Wanted to know what I would 
do."

"And what did you do?"

"I stopped lying to myself a little bit.... He kissed me." 
Mulder shook his head. "You know, that's the problem. 
'Honesty' was a lot easier when it went hand in hand with 
self-denial."

"Well... that's interesting. What *was* your religious 
upbringing, Mulder?" 

"Vague. Vaguely Jewish, vaguely Presbyterian, vaguely 
designed to make me grow up feeling *distinctly* guilty 
about not doing everything and anything to be a Valuable 
Member of Society."

"And, of course, you know exactly what that did to you, and 
even the slightest quirk of my eyebrow would be an insult. 
You know, we're not all that different, Mulder."

Mulder sighed, leaned back in his chair. "No, we're not. 
We're both relentlessly self-aware enough to believe we're 
entitled to the assorted neuroses, psychoses, and 
pathologies that we know full well we suffer from."

A nod. "After all, once you know it's there it can't 
*really* cause problems. You just smack it down when it 
starts becoming... visible."

"Well... Hmm."

"Yes?"

"You're right.... It's how I lived my life. They don't let 
people carry a gun if they can't play it straight." A dry 
sound of amusement. "Well, mostly."

"I did pick up your problems with authority figures."

"After only one visit, doctor?"

Anatoly snorted quietly. "Sorry. I'll do my best to be as 
thick as I possibly can, lest you get the impression I 
understand you *too* much."

"This is the point where Alex flings himself at you, isn't 
it?"

"No, I've long since carted him off to bed. Or floor."

"Do you really think fling is the right word? I've always 
considered it more of a pounce. Maybe a swoop." Musingly. 

"You're right. Though sometimes he gets that exasperated 
look, like he wishes he had a giant slingshot to attach 
himself to."

Mulder threw his head back and chortled. "You know, he's 
right. It really should be enough. And I can come up with 
dozens of reasons why it isn't, but all of it.... It's an 
opportunistic sort of thing, I think. It's not enough 
because it's not enough, but look at how well I make my 
case."

Anatoly nodded, waited for Mulder to continue. 

"The self-denial... I could tell myself I wanted him, and I 
could tell myself it was wrong for any number of reasons, 
and I could tell myself I *still* wanted him -- I was very 
honest about it, and proud -- and I could point out how 
giving in to it would ruin the Work. And *then* I could 
deny myself his touch. I remember how he smelled, how much 
I wanted to just..."

"I hope you appreciate my not pointing out all the things 
you're not saying."

"I do, oh, I do. I know it must be hard."

"I'm willing to make these sacrifices."

Mulder scrubbed his face with his hands. "When he kissed me 
a lot of things changed. It's always easier to say no when 
you don't know what it'll be like to surrender."

"And Alex was too busy flinging himself to hear all the 
'no's you weren't saying."

"It should have been obvious to him that this was a... a 
lifestyle I couldn't handle."

"And it should be obvious to you that we're absolutely 
*clueless* about people like you, sometimes..."

"What about that superiority thing?"

"No, this falls under the 'I'm allowed to be obtuse because 
I know it' clause."

"Couldn't we just be having meaningless sex?"

"That would be *much* too easy. Besides, I like hearing you 
talk about Alexei."

"Alex."

A smile. "As you wish."

"All right. You know everything there is to know about 
yourself and how to push my buttons, besides. So how come 
you don't know what a bad idea it is to make people like me 
vampires?"

"Oh, did I say I didn't know that? No, we're fully aware of 
the dangers in turning people like you. There's even a 
Rule, of sorts."

"Ah, yes. The Rules. How *did* you teach Alex to speak in 
capitals so easily, anyway?"

"You're still worried about what we did to him? Do you 
think he wouldn't love you so much if I hadn't *done* 
something to him?"

"You're being too direct again."

"Isn't it getting a little late to play these games?"

"Tell me the Rule."

"Fuck them, eat them, move on."

"That's... that's practical."

Anatoly nodded slowly and somewhat dreamily. "Of course, 
there wouldn't be a Rule if we were always so practical..."

"Is that anything like the detailed instructions on 
toothpick packages?"

One eyebrow arched. "Something else I'll have to take your 
word on."

"Culture lag must be a bitch."

"You get used to it."

Mildly uncomfortable silence. "What happened to your 
archetypes?"

"I killed the first, at her own request. The second killed 
himself. The third disappeared... I know he's still alive, 
I can feel him, but he won't let me get close... Do you 
need to know more?"

"You're not making a very good case."

"You're the one so wrapped up in the beauty of the 
individual."

"You loved them, though."

"I never would have made them like me if I didn't. How 
could you expect Alex to watch you grow old, sick, weak?"

A vaguely tired gesture. "That's exactly what he was 
supposed to be able to do. Or, barring that, kill me."

"Because that's what monsters do. Sorry, monsters are also 
stupid."

"You know I don't think of you that way, don't you?"

"Yes. I also know you desperately wish you could."

Mulder tried to catch the other man's gaze, but the 
moonlight made the blue eyes gleam too flatly. He felt his 
own mouth twist a bit. "And your next question is: Since I 
can't seem to kill myself, or leave, why haven't I flat out 
asked Alex to kill me. Especially since I know that, like 
you, he's an idiot about people like me and needs to be 
led."

"I was actually feeling rather whimsical. It seemed like a 
good time to ask if you'd like to suck me. You could, of 
course, take that any way you wish."

"Liar."

"Yes. Though I wouldn't object..."

"Strenuously."

"Right."

"I haven't asked Alex because that would be admitting total 
surrender. I haven't asked Alex because I don't trust him 
to do it, and... and he's done everything I've asked of 
him. It would be a failure for both of us, and ruin the 
good we do have. I haven't asked Alex because I'm terrified 
he would do it, and move on, and be happy with someone 
else. I haven't asked Alex because... because I know 
exactly how much it would hurt him."

"Alexei--"

"Alex."

"Alex didn't call me here, you know."

Silence.

"Come on, Mulder, this is *Alex* we're talking about."

"I know, I know. It's an insult to even consider that he'd 
call someone in to do his dirty work." Twist of the lips. 
"A man can hope, though."

"He's not supposed to be this good to you, there 
shouldn't--"

"There shouldn't be positives. I shouldn't be enjoying 
myself, blah blah, this is right back where we started. 
Doesn't that tell you anything?"

A long silence as Anatoly visibly rejected several 
responses before continuing. "It would, of course, confirm 
every deep-seated belief you have about the rest of 
humanity -- and otherwise -- if I just nodded my head, came 
over there and killed you.

"Tell me, Mulder, how are my methods of distancing myself 
from my former species so different from yours?"

"Other than the fact I leave them alive?"

"Do you?"

"Since when do you have the right to argue about the 
emotional health of a species you look at as talking food?"

"This isn't about how *I* see them, Mulder."

"All right, so I suck people dry and then have the temerity 
to expect them to live on and suffer -- if I even bother to 
consider what I've done to them. I'm also a coward--"

"You're archetyping again."

"Well, there's a *reason* it's an archetype."

"Where *is* Alex, anyway? I'm strong enough to fling him at 
you properly." 

Short bark of laughter. "That's also the point, isn't it? 
That he fixes things. Or that he tries to. All the time."

Anatoly nodded, waited for Mulder to continue.

"It only makes it worse, and I know how *wrong* that is, 
which proceeds to make it even worse, and so on."

"So... you decided that since there was no easy way for you 
to die that you had to live. Living requires you doing 
things you don't want to do, so you have to... turn 
yourself off to a certain extent?"

"Basically. And you have no idea why I can't just reinvent 
myself, take my Alex-flingings like a man, and move on."

"I didn't turn Alex to see him miserable for eternity, and, 
no, killing you *wouldn't* make him happy. Think about the 
holes that still exist in your life -- and none of them 
were lovers. Or were they?"

Humorless smile. "Some... potential. But this has... 
limited my options. Can't go around making unsuitable 
people vampires just because you don't want to say 
goodbye."

"Touche. Would it make you feel better if I scolded Alexei 
roundly? Spanked him, maybe?"

"*Alex*."

Anatoly winced. "That was nearly unintentional, Mulder. I'm 
sorry."

Mulder waved him off distractedly. "I wanted him when he 
was pretending to be an innocent. I fell in love with 
him... after. I do love him, I can say it, and I'm 
desperate to hold on to the part of myself that knows how 
wrong that is. That can tell you precisely why. What 
happens if I let go of... of everything?"

"And you don't particularly appreciate my coming here, the 
implications..."

"I'd be pretty fucking pissed if you ran off with Alex and 
left me alive."

"Can you give me a good reason not to do just that? I mean, 
what you're doing to Alex..."

"The emotional lives of soulless predators. No, no, I know 
that's the point. I still have my soul; I'm not better than 
you. Or Alex."

"He loves you. You love him. Explain to me why this is so 
*hard*."

"I already did. This... this rebellion is the last chance I 
have to pretend to be human."

"But that's specious. You're still you, just without the 
trappings of a society you never *really* believed in 
anyway. I swear, I think this making Alex your father thing 
is really the worst of all of it."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"And when did I get to be a Freudian? Look, this business 
with *trying* for him." Anatoly's tenor flattened into an 
eerily accurate impression of Mulder's own. "'Oh, I'll get 
cleaned up. Oh, I'll stop playing with fire. Oh, I'll go 
hunting. See what a good boy I am? Look what I do for you!' 
That isn't love."

Mulder felt himself snarl. A point lost, but the night was 
growing old. "What do you *want* from me?"

"I want you to live, you self-centered idiot. And that's 
all Alex wants, too. Don't play stupid with me; we both 
know *precisely* what makes Alex happiest."

"When I'm happy. Fine. How do you go about being happy, 
Anatoly? What life lessons have I missed out on?"

"Oh, ask the difficult questions." Anatoly closed his eyes 
for a moment and Mulder watched them move beneath the pale 
lids. Restless. "What do you do when he reaches out for 
you? When he touches your face and comes close enough to 
murmur in your ear. Do you lean into the touch with 
anything more than your body?"

"Of course I -- God, is that what I've been saying to you? 
No, I remember... that's the first thing I remember. After 
the change. He held me and whispered... I had no clue what 
he was saying... but I also did. And I remembered. I 
remember."

"You know I'm resisting the urge to make encouraging 
noises."

"I know. You can yell at me some more if you'd like."

"No, I've had my fill of that for the time being. But..."

"Tell you why -- with all my talk about natural impulses -- 
I didn't immediately just cleave to Alex. Or even 
gradually."

"Well, I was thinking the usual. If you did that you'd have 
to not only admit you love him, but that he loves you. At 
that point... No, I'll say it -- at *this* point there's no 
choice but to accept that you belong together and that it's 
idiocy to fuck around."

"Do you think the Bureau shrinks would get any better if 
they had 500 years or so to practice?"

Anatoly laughed. "It's entirely possible..."

Mulder settled back in his chair with an audible thump. 
"Were you ever a lawyer?"

"No, but I've killed hundreds."

Mulder snorted. "What, were you actively *hunting* them? I 
mean, how many lawyers prowl the night time streets?"

"Well, in the *old* days, if you just crept into their 
rooms at night and killed them people blamed ghosts. 
Bogles. Cats."

"'And there was none of this hip hop business either. No, 
not in my day.'"

"Don't make me hit you."

"Don't tell me Alex made you promise not to do that, 
either?"

"No, no, it was really just the killing he was worried 
about. But..."

Mulder turned to face him, then. It seemed abruptly absurd 
that they remained so far away, in their silly little deck 
chairs. "But what?" And his voice was too low.

They looked at each other for a long moment, and Mulder was 
certain he could feel the touch of cool, unfamiliar fingers 
against his lips, but then--

"I wonder what's keeping Alex."

"Did you send him back down to Maryland? Demand the head of 
Cal Ripken, Jr.?"

"Well, what does he *usually* do when he hunts?"

"Even when we're together it's usually pretty efficient... 
Hell, even when we play games it doesn't take *this* long. 
Are you sure he doesn't expect you to kill me and 
efficiently dispose of my body and effects?"

"I don't know what he *expects* me to do, but I did 
promise... Maybe he was expecting you to make it 
necessary."

"It really is touching that he has so much faith in me."

"In your ability to piss people off."

"Well, yes."

Anatoly stretched a bit. "So..."

"Yeah."

"Good Lord, have we actually reached a lull in the 
conversation with no deeper meaning at all?"

"It had to happen at some point. This is where Alex and I 
would be cuddling, by the way."

"Braggart." Anatoly paused, his mouth twisting 
unpleasantly.  "That was rather bitter, wasn't it? I'm 
sorry, Mulder."

"No... no, it's all right."

"It isn't all right. But I would... I'm not noble. At all. 
You would, perhaps, do well to remember that."

Mulder nodded.

"I think it's time for me to go. Give... give Alex my best, 
yes?"

Mulder stood to see him off. Anatoly stayed just long 
enough to acknowledge the courtesy with a brief nod, and 
then was gone. Mulder settled back in his chair, gazed up 
at the sky. The stars were fading, and he knew Alex would 
be home soon.

~~~~~
End.
~~~~~