Afternoon Weirdness IX: Of Course
by Te
8/98

Disclaimers: No names, not mine.

Spoilers: Small (hopeful) ones for Tunguska.

Summary: A little self-awareness is a good thing.

Ratings Note: Strong R

Author's Note: Alicia needs to come the fuck home. Sister 
Blue needs to stop encouraging this behavior so 
enthusiastically. I  need to sleep more. Inspired by the 
song "Of Course" by Jane's Addiction. All hail old mix 
tapes! Oh, and this has absolutely nothing to do with any 
of the other stories. Or it could be a  prequel to AW: A 
Dress. It doesn't matter. 

Acknowledgments: Many thanks to Rye and Nancy for excellent 
beta. All remaining mistakes are my own, and please feel 
free to call me on them.

Feedback: PLEASE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Afternoon Weirdness IX: Of Course
by Te
Daddy793@aol.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Of course this land is dangerous. 

You can walk down the street and die half a hundred times 
before making it to the corner. And then if you try to 
*cross*  the street.... Yeah, I'm paranoid. And afraid a 
lot. And it makes  me feel so so good to just go out there 
and shiver.

Pull back my lip and throb with the intensity of terror. 
You  must think it's absurd. An impediment to current 
employment, at least. It isn't, though. Fear is the 
assassin's friend. If you're  not afraid, you relax. And 
the first time you relax is when They  get you. Bang bang 
and you're done. I'm nowhere near ready to be done.

And if you're not too careful someone could slap a pair of 
cuffs on you. Or just the one, as the case may be. You can 
lose  yourself in the clasp of cold steel on your wrist and 
remember the last time, and the time before. 

Wonder if he's got another Alpha male up his sleeve to dump 
you on to be beaten and fucked, and fucked again. No 
telling what  would come next. No escape. Yeah, steel tight 
and binding and  hit me again, just because you can, and 
it's the only thing you can do. 

Or if he's gonna finish what he started after that *other* 
time. I pretended to be asleep and he touched me there, and 
there, and rested his lips on my left nipple -- just the 
left one-- and it was more a kiss of warm breath than 
anything else but I was only wearing a t-shirt and it was 
so cold in the cell and it felt so good to just hold myself 
there, right there.

Wonder if he would bite me. I could see it, feel it almost. 
He  would have been so hesitant... It's a game, I'm still 
asleep... And I'd feel his teeth just graze me at first and 
it would be so hard to keep still but it's good to be still 
and he'd bite down harder when I stayed still. Harder still 
if I could keep myself to only a moan.

Did I tell you about his hand? It was a purely neutral 
weight on my thigh. He wouldn't touch me any more than 
that. And then, after an endless time of reminding myself 
to breathe slow and  steady, he walked back to his own cot 
and jerked himself off. In near silence. I understood. 
Sometimes it's better to wait. 

Other times, though, I find myself on a fire escape and 
watching, watching. Absolutely shocked he doesn't feel my 
eyes, doesn't  seem to hear me creep and skulk my way 
inside. Doesn't flinch when I place the gun, warm from my 
body, against his ear.

He says:

"What took you so long?"

And leans his head against your belly. Burrowing. Nuzzling. 

And I realize he knows exactly how good it feels to be 
terrified  and love it so much you don't do a damn thing to 
protect  yourself. Or, if you do, it's only so you can 
survive long enough  to have your heart wrung, your soul 
wrung, just a little bit drier.   I say:

"I'm going to hurt you, you know."

And when he laughs, it's so perfectly, happily mocking, 
that I  know it's what he wanted all along. 

~~~~~
End.
~~~~~