Disclaimers: Um. Er. I'm sorry...
Spoilers: Nonsensical ones for Buffy S5.
Ratings Note: G.
Summary: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Author's Note: Er. I'm Black. I'm allowed to do this. So
there. An answer to a Mary Sue challenge. With thanks
to Pretty Pretty Dawn Pares for putting even more ideas
in my head.
Acknowledgments: Loves to Debba and Dawn Sharon,
who somehow both survived this.
Feedback: Er. Um. I'm here: email@example.com.
It was something they'd all faced before. On the brink of losing
the world to the most powerful evil of all, the Scooby Gang
were doing their best to say goodbye to each other before the
Tara proposed a Wiccan spell of togetherness, then went back
to being very cute with Willow. Xander suggested pizza and
Yahtzee, causing Buffy to roll her eyes so hard they got stuck
at 2:00 until Giles accidentally whanged her with a book.
Anya suggested an orgy, but that's what she always suggested
so no one paid attention.
It was crunch time with Glory in possession of Dawn, and the
Scoobies were in dire straits. Was there nothing that could
Giles cleared his throat, immediately causing Xander to watch
the way he swallowed in that way that always left him
confused and frustrated.
"There is *one* thing we haven't tried."
Buffy advanced on him with a chair in her hand. "You bring
this up *now*? Dawn could be getting her brain sucked out!"
"Well, from what I know about the Glorificus, she's most
probably just removing Dawn's soul in order to bring about
a new world of pain, suffering and abject worship. The brain
and other organs aren't really important in the long --"
"*Thank* you, Anya... um. Ah, Buffy."
"Talk fast Watcher-man."
"Well, you see, there is a being with absolute power who
can be summoned, but the payment she exacts..."
"Just summon her, Giles, before Willow and Tara
spontaneously transform into Care Bears or something!"
The women in question cooed.
"But the payment --"
Buffy brandished the chair.
Anya thought about orgies.
"Oh, bloody hell, *fine*. Just don't complain to me later.
Willow, Tara, find your chakras.
"Anya and Xander, put the black light on the lava lamp that
just magically appeared in your apartment."
"Buffy... um. You'd probably better hide."
"What? I never hide!"
"Just trust me."
Buffy hmmphed and ducked behind the couch as Giles
deliberately rumpled himself before beginning to chant
oddly catchy sounds:
"Mamasay Mamasah Mamakousa, Mamasay Mamasah
Mamakousa, Mamasay Mamasah Mamakousa..."
Suddenly a strange and spicy smoke filled the room,
causing an inescapable urge to... to... what was it?
In the confusion no one noticed the Being appear, but that
was OK, She could wait.
Finally Giles stopped chanting and found himself eye to eye
with the most magnificent creature he had ever seen. Her
diamond studded pantsuit hugged Her curves tantalizingly
before flaring into bells that had to be at least eight feet
across. Her gold medallion glinted fiercely, blinding Xander
for several moments. The grand golden hoops of her earrings
shone as well, highlighting the perfect white and gold
eyeshadow painted up to her eyebrows.
Her afro stretched miles in all directions.
Anya gasped. Never in her long life had she seen anything
so glorious. "Who... who *are* you?"
"Giiiiiirl, prepare to be FUNKED UP, for I am the Bad
The heavens thundered with her reply, and they all prostrated
themselves before her, though Willow and Tara had to take
a moment to make the position as non-sexual as possible.
The Bad One looked upon her disciples and nodded. They
would respond well to the Power of the Funk.
"Speak to Me, Ms. and Misters. For what purpose have I been Summoned?"
"Great MamaJamma, we are plagued by a force the like of
which we've never known. Her name... her name is Glorificus."
The Bad One froze. Could it be? Had her arch-nemesis finally
returned? She stroked her Bop Gun and smiled. This would
be the last time. "Summon her here, sorcerer! I sense your
Honky Magic is powerful indeed!"
Giles straightened his clothes and stood. "Well, I'd like to
think of it as a more *worldwide* sort of magic --"
The Bad One glared. "It is Honky."
"Right, yes, right away. Um... ah... let me see. By the power
of Ethan's Prada hand bag and matching slingbacks, I
summon the Glorificus."
She appeared immediately, hunger distorting her features.
"Give me the slingbacks *now*, worm!"
"Bitch, you'll get no kicky accessories today!"
"Well. If it isn't the MamaJamma," Glory sneered. "You fell
to the power of my Army of the Fabulous before, what
makes you think you can defeat me now?"
The Bad One didn't hesitate, shooting the Bop Gun from
the hip and scoring a direct hit!
"AARRRRGH! No, no I will *never* free my mind!" Glory
lunged for the Bad One, taking Her down hard and flattening
the back of her afro!
"Foul Ofay! Didn't you know my Funk was in my Trunk?"
The Bad One shook her booty so hard that Glory went flying,
revealing her secret evil plan to destroy the Funk forever!
Glory yanked Buffy up by her perfectly dyed hair.
"You'll never get *her* to shake her groove thang!"
Anya and Xander gasped in unison -- Buffy was the most
funkless being in the entire world! They were doomed!
Willow and Tara cuddled and smiled at each other, both
comfortable enough to share their fear as part of their
As for Buffy, she got her first look at the Bad One. "Ew.
Didn't you get the notice? The 70s are so *over*."
MamaJamma recoiled in horror, She could feel Her power
being sapped by every moment in Buffy's presence. "By the
Great Freak-Out! I must stop her before I lose my Funk!" She
pulled the Bop Gun once more, but Buffy easily evaded
Several went wild, but the Bad One had no time to waste,
pouncing on Buffy and beginning to battle!
She got in several good shots with Her Mega Platforms, but
each lash of the perfect blonde hair was acid to Her soul!
Glory's laughter merely added to the Bad One's humiliation,
and desperation was settling in with every moment. Not even
the rhinestone spray could convince Buffy to get down with
her bad self. What could She *do*???
"Unnh... eyeshadow fading... afro... losing... cohesion...
uncontrollable urge to wear sweater... vests... NOOOOOO!"
The cry ripped from the Bad One's lungs searing all with Funk.
Tara's hair feathered itself before their very eyes. Xander grew
chest hair so powerful that it burst open the first several
buttons of his shirt!
But the Bad MamaJamma was fading fast, and there was but
one weapon left at Her disposal. And yet Buffy was only a
funkless innocent, could She doom her to life as Her...
No! There was no choice, the Glorificus had to be destroyed!
With her last bit of strength, the Bad MamaJamma grasped
the handle of the most powerful Blowout Comb in the
multifunkaverse, the fist of the pommel a great obsidian fist!
"Umgala!" she cried, shoving the Comb deep within Buffy's
"Aiiiieeeeeeeeeweeeeeeee WE GOT THE FUNK!"
Buffy rose, teal spreading over her eyelids, matching her
Pantsuit of Power! Her hair kinked itself as they watched,
rolling and crinkling itself into two perfectly round afro
The Scoobies ooohed and ahhed as she struck a pose, her
smaller, sleeker Bop Gun in hand, her new Mistress beside
Glory cringed, edging toward the door before she saw how
bruised our heroes were.
"Ha! You've weakened each other. Even the two of you
together are no match for *me*!"
Suddenly, DKNY brochures came from nowhere, transforming
into darkly trendy birds of prey that flew unerringly at
Buffy and the Bad One, their eerie cry of "like, yooooooou
know" echoing throughout Xander's living room.
It looked like the end for our Heroes, and Glory laughed
heartily, never thinking to look behind her where Giles worked
Transformed by the free-flowing funk, Giles' pants were now
leather, hugging him perfectly and showing off his still pert
ass! His leather vest swung open, showing his manly chest, and
the hat was tilted at a rakish angle. Truly, Giles was a vision,
but he also had a plan!
As the DKNY birds screeched and giggled vapidly, Giles did
the one thing that could save them all. He switched on
the turntable, where Anya's Fleetwood Mac album had
The Mothership Descended, crashing through the ceiling with
a mighty thumping bass that drove Glory through the floor!
"Gitchee gitchee ya ya ya!" yelled Buffy, diving in for the
"Right on, soul sister!" added the Bad One as the last of the
evil DKNY's fell twitching to the ground.
Glory never had a chance, and as the Funk flowed over her,
she could do nothing but free her mind.
Slowly she rose, leather pants and halter top showing off
everything God gave her, and, as the prophets had
spoken, her ass followed to freedom.
And, lo, the world was saved, as Anya could finally answer
her eternal question. "Why *must* I feel like that? Why
must I chase the cat?"
She concluded that it was nothing but the dog in her, and
happily corrupted Willow and Tara's chakras with pure
Meanwhile, Xander couldn't stop himself from hustling over
to the leather glory that was Giles, and didn't want to!
Yea, verily, the poppers flowed freely.
The Bad MamaJamma and her new acolyte nodded in
deep satisfaction. At last, baby baby, there was a freakshow
on the dance floor.
The Bad One smiled. Her work here was done. Boogie oogie
oogying Glory to the Mothership -- where she, too, would
learn the Way of the Funk -- She was stopped by a hand on
Buffy, Her own one, cried steadily, though of course Her
makeup was never marred.
"What is it, chickie-mama?"
"Don't go, MamaJamma!"
The Baddest of the Bad bowed Her head for a moment, this
was the hardest part of her sacred duty. "Buffy... We really
have to change that name, you know."
"I was thinking of Buffisha Soooooul."
MamaJamma sniffed. Her girl was going to do just fine.
"Buffisha, I *must* go. Everywhere in the world, the power of
the Anti-Funk rises. There are many minds for me to free."
"But... but... we need you, too!"
"Buffisha, you must be strong, and hold your afro puffs
high. I promise you, someday I *will* return!"
Buffisha pulled herself up, easily eight feet tall in her new
solid gold platforms. "Then I will say farewell."
The Bad One gave the golden puffs a squeeze, then turned and
rose into the Mothership, Gloria LaRue at her side, and
Buffisha Soooooul watched them go until the Mothership
was just a tiny black dot in the flickering disco ball sky.
There was work for her to do.