Hand Jive
by Te
January 2001

Disclaimers: They belong to Marvel, sadly.

Spoilers: Er... the books are *ancient* now.

Summary: Shatterstar needs Ric's help.

Ratings Note: NC-17

Author's Note: I haven't read comics in years, but these guys
were always favorites.

Acknowledgments: To Viridian, for encouragement and
much needed information. All weirdnesses are my own

Feedback: Does the pope shit in the woods?


And this was nowhere in the handbook.

Granted, Ric's experience with male bonding had mainly come in
the form of guns, beer, killing, and more guns, but he was pretty
sure that this was still out of range.

"OK, um. Damn. First thing, you see, you gotta hold it."

"In what fashion?"

"Well, you know, just like you. Ah. OK, I got it. Hold it in the way that
feels best."

Unsurprisingly, 'Star was holding his penis like a war club. Ric
didn't question. Questions lead to weirdness.

Just as an example, a simple "how's it hanging, 'mano" had led to
*this*. The two of them, squeezed into a bathroom, with Ric
pressed into teaching 'Star how to jerk off.

"You mean this *never* came up before?"

"I have had several dozen erections in the past six months, and
many more before them."

Ric winced a little and shook his head. "And you never... did
anything about them?"

"I have applied cold packs to the afflicted areas."

Ric manfully resisted the urge to grab his own jewels and run
away. "OK, OK, let's leave that train of thought alone. This is
a perfectly natural thing --"

"I was told it would ruin my performance."


"I was told that it would reduce my will to fight and destroy
my enemies."

"Well, it's true that -- er. Never mind." If he told 'Star about
post-coital relaxation the man would never try this and
just continue to be a ticking time bomb of sexual frustration.
Although... "how come you never considered this a problem
until now?"

"I have a theory."

"Yeah?" It occurred to Ric that 'Star was still holding his semi-
erect penis and standing straight as a soldier. God, friendship
was *weird*.

"On Mojoworld, I was forced to battle for my life every day,
while here we only battle two or three times every month."

"Ah. Um. What about training?"

"Nothing can kill me there. Cable refuses to take the safety
measures off."

A slightly hysterical voice in Ric's head screamed 'Damn him!'
and subsided, giggling. "Yeah. That's definitely a shame. So
you think you need more fighting?"

"Much, much more."

"Maybe we can get ol' Bright Eye to compromise, set the
safeties to 'maim.' How's that sound?"

"Will I then no longer have to masturbate?"

"It's ah. It's hard to say."

"I see."

"Yeah, well. Uh. Yeah."

"I have another theory, Julio."


"I believe that I desire to have homosexual relations
with you."

And man, was it *ever* a mistake to pick that moment to
look down, because hey, that war club sure looked a
lot more intimidating all of a sudden. Ric searched hard for
an intelligent response, and then opened his mouth:

"I wish to have intercourse with you."

"Like sex? Actual sex? 'mano, it's obviously way past time
for you to get acquainted with your hand. Let's go."

"What should I do next?"

"OK. You make a fist around your um. Your penis. Not a
tight one. Or ah. Just tight enough to feel good...

"Yeah, that's just right. Now just move that fist up and down
the length."


Ric clapped in triumph. "You better believe 'oh,' now just
keep that up."

"I seem to be having trouble retaining my balance, Julio."

"That's OK, just lean up against the wall... there ya go."
Ric stared at everything that wasn't 'Star in the small
bathroom intently at least once, including 'Star's dazzling
array of hair care products. Ric shook his head. Too much
time in the ring. All those men prancing around in tights
with long swords every day.

No wonder 'Star had problems. Homosexual relations. Eeee.
But Ric was a *man*, and he could handle things like that.
'Star was already making those embarassing fuck-me noises,
all Ric would have to do is point the man at a woman and run
away before World War III started.

What a mess.

Ric chanced a look and immediately took a step back. 'Star
was bracing himself on the wall with one hand and stroking
himself with the other. And staring directly at Ric.

And moaning.

"Uhhh... sometimes it's even better when you think about
someone. Ah. Attractive. Like Feral. You should really
reconsider. She's nice and violent. You guys would have a great
time. Maybe I should --"


And that wasn't so much a question or statement as a plea.
Open and hoarse in that performer's voice that echoed
really, really well off all the tile. "I should probably go now."

Except, of course, that would require squeezing past his
most ardent bioengineered suitor ever. Ric noted the flush
in his friend's cheeks, the flex of his abdomen muscles...
Took a deep breath and started to move.

"I have another theory, Julio."

"Oh?" He hadn't had a voice that high since puberty. Ah,
puberty. Jacking off what seemed like 17 times a day, pulling
a chub everytime something good happened. Or something
bad. Or something. His body seemed to have developed
nostalgia for that feeling.

"My research has shown that this could feel even better if
you were to touch my penis as well."

There was a perfectly serviceable window behind him, and
any number of nice, soft bushes to land in. "What research
was that?!"

"Domino has a very extensive video collection."

"You stole Domino's porn?! She'll kill us both!"

"Actually... nnn... oh, Ric I borrowed them. With her
permission. Please touch me now."

"Oh, 'mano, we really, really can't go there."

"I can see that you, too, have an erection. You said this was

"Yeah, but, there's rules. And. Um. Fuck, I bet you'd feel
good." Ric dove for the window only to be yanked back
against a lot of muscle and heat and. "Oh."

"I feel a certain urgency in my desire for you, Julio."

This in Spanish, a dark little purr that was suspiciously
knowing, but Ric only had a moment to think about that
before 'Star plunged his tongue into his ear and grabbed
his crotch. "Oh, *fuck*."


Ric's mind muttered something about it not counting if
it was for educational purposes, which was more than
enough rationalization for him. Turned and backed 'Star
against the wall, kissing all the way, losing himself in it
before he remembered he was supposed to be teaching the
man something.

Ric pulled back and breathed, tried to press even closer to
'Star and found himself grinding against his friend's
naked groin.

"Oh, Ric, yes, the pain is of an entirely new and pleasurable

Ric decided that kissing while laughing had its merits, but
that he preferred the other kind. A chance to be serious for
good reasons. Not slow, too late for slow, but definitely
thorough. 'Star followed his lead, sucking and tasting at him
and moaning shamelessly, continuously and Ric pushed
harder, struggling for more and better sensation.

Broke off long enough to undo his own pants, free his cock
and finally just take hold of both and oh, fuck, that was

"Madre de Dios..."

'Star was beyond words -- perhaps for the best -- head thrown
back and groaning, thrust up into Ric's hand, pushing cock
to cock and Ric couldn't help but respond, could barely keep his
hand from shaking as he held them, and then didn't bother
to try.

He wanted 'Star to feel it, the power of it. Force him to deal
with it all, the emotion, the raw sex, everything just so long
as all Rictor had to think about was fucking his own hand
and the shaft of 'Star's drooling cock.

And it was just so damned *slick*. Almost too slick, and he
squeezed them together a little for more friction and 'Star
made a completely unclassifiable noise that shocked
Ric over the edge. Pumping all over both of them and
unable to blink.

'Star looked up and just stared into Ric's eyes, thrusting
his cock through the mess and panting. Lips parted, eyes
wild and he came just like that, diving in for another kiss and
another, and another until somehow they'd left the bathroom
of sin and found themselves on 'Star's bed.

Still kissing.

It was like waking up with his eyes already open, or any
of a hundred different things that didn't make sense in
entirely new and pleasurable ways.

Ric laughed and surrendered.