Other Paths VI: Harder To Hold
by Te
9/98

Disclaimers: They do not belong to me, I really hope I 
don't get sued. 

Spoilers: None.

Summary: Everybody does some thinking. 

Ratings Note: NC-17 for m/m sex, poor language.

Author's Note: All hurting, all the time. No, wait, sorry. 
This is another part of the _Other Paths_ universe. To 
date:

"Nameless"
"Distance and Possession"
"Lucky Men"
"Liberty"
"All of the Animals"
"Home"
"Weapons"
"Harder To Hold"

You should probably read the others first, I think. 

Acknowledgments: To Viridian and Kass, for distracting me 
enough to actually write this. To Spike and Nancy for fine, 
patient beta, and to Dawn Sharon for many helpful 
suggestions. All remaining errors are my own.

Feedback: PLEASE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other Paths VI: Harder To Hold
by Te
Daddy793@aol.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Let me in."

The words hit Mulder like a slam to the chest. A blink and 
he was shocked to find Alex still that same distance away, 
still  outside his apartment. The wide eyes were shadowed, 
the  stance patient. Mulder thought he felt a hum, but he 
couldn't deny the possibility that the tension was his own.

"Alex."

He couldn't say more than that -- there was too much his  
mind was punishing him for saying earlier -- but Alex 
simply  nodded and walked in. He might've taken a step back 
to make  it easier to close the door, but Mulder couldn't 
say for sure.  Alex was there, nothing but a meaningless 
few layers of cloth  and air separating them. Mulder's 
hands ached to touch and  he indulged, cupping the smooth, 
cool face and tugging the  man closer. 

Alex moved within the clasp of the hands and he couldn't 
tell  if it was a nuzzle or negation but it felt wonderful 
and he  leaned in to breathe against the other man's mouth.

"What does this mean to you, Mulder?"

"Everything." And it hurt to say but the rightness was  
undeniable and Alex's harsh pant was response enough and  
more and they were moving. Alex's kiss was soft, sweet 
despite  the acid of something Mulder didn't want to think 
about and  it felt so good...

It was awkward to hold the other man's face this way but  
Mulder didn't want to chance letting go; the rest of him 
was  too cold and Alex wasn't holding him yet. Mulder 
coaxed the  younger man's tongue into his mouth with his 
own, pulled on  it to hear him moan and then Alex was 
pulling away.

//Not again...//

He felt no shame in moving after him; didn't hesitate to 
bury  himself against Alex's throat, plead with the loose 
circle of  his arms around the other man's waist. And when 
a trembling  hand shaped itself to the back of his skull, 
fingers slipping  through his hair, he felt real triumph. 
Sharp, brittle victory  destined to corrode into guilt some 
cold morning, but here,  now, simply perfect. Mulder kissed 
his way up the fine column  of throat, acknowledging the 
lightening marks -- too visible in the dimness -- with 
small kisses. 

Alex's hand tightened briefly in his hair and he was being  
tugged up again, into a bruising kiss that made his knees 
weak. He cried out into it, messy and open mouthed and good 
and  that arm was finally slipping under his own --the 
brush of  leather on the flesh of his bicep was cold and 
suggestive --  pulling him close into the warmth he needed. 

It occurred to Mulder he would be happy just to stand here;  
the two of them kissing and moving each other into 
positions  of increasingly pleasurable discomfort, for 
however long it was allowed. There were too many things 
requiring forgiveness to be considered, a mess of 
irrelevancies -- relative to *this* -- that  could do 
nothing to obscure the concept of Chance. 

Not so many nights ago Mulder had sat on the couch and done 
his best to ignore the damp glitter on Alex's eye as he 
walked  out of his life, but some things were too important 
to be pushed aside for the cold comfort of the familiar... 
and perhaps that was the point. There was a slowing to 
this, a gradual acceptance of  each other that had more to 
do with the conversation they  weren't having than the heat 
that brushed and brushed again  each time they moved 
closer.

A breath and Mulder realized this had been going on for 
some time, brief breaks for air before taking each other's 
mouths  again. His eyes were closed and he found his way 
back to where  he belonged by touch, brushing and nuzzling 
over the cheek,  wondering if Alex was watching him, what 
he was thinking  beyond the press of bodies and the man 
trying very hard to drink his soul...

//I need you.//

And that was all it took to increase the urgency again, to 
make his hands roam the lean form, creep under the jacket 
to an  arching heat, damp with sweat and soothing to his 
hands.  Everything was right about this and when Alex broke 
the kiss to nibble along the line of his jaw, to caress his 
ear with a sharp,  clever tongue, Mulder could only clasp 
tighter and hope.

"I need to make love to you, Mulder." And the words were  
breathed into his ear, such a simple statement of fact and 
it  hurt, deeply, that Alex felt the need to say it. "Will 
you let me?"  To ask.

Almost too much to answer but Mulder knew exactly what it  
would feel like if that arm let him go again.... 
"Please..." And he leaned into the slow nuzzle, bucked once 
when sharp teeth  tested his earlobe. "Yes, Alex, yes..."

Another harsh breath and Mulder was aware he'd never asked  
what this meant to Alex at the same time he was aware he 
didn't  have to. 

"All right, all right..." And Alex was kissing him again, 
his ear, cheeks, and eyelids before coming back to his 
mouth and Mulder was surprised at the pain and happier than 
he could remember  being in a long while. Finally, they 
were moving back towards  the bedroom. He'd changed the 
sheets in those first manic hours  after Alex had left but 
not again. Dust and clutter was nothing  against the 
presence of the man and the bed was too large for  this. A 
flat, soft opportunity to share space without touching. It  
seemed criminal that such things could exist. 

Alex ran his hand under Mulder's t-shirt and he arched into  
the touch, this overt proof of complicity soothing enough 
for  Mulder to stop touching Alex long enough to remove the 
thing.  Alex immediately pushed him flat, rested lean and 
still-clothed weight along his own and began licking at a 
nipple. The touch  was light and relentless and Mulder was 
irrationally positive he was being eroded a little with 
each lap. The mindless rub of  denim heat pushed his sweats 
down to become a chafe of  frustration against his hip.

Gradually, Mulder became aware of an increase in pressure.  
When Alex started using his teeth a flood of mores began 
piling up against the wall of his throat. It seemed too 
dangerous to make demands, but he could and did arch into 
the touch, shift a bit to encourage Alex to rest more of 
his weight on him.

******

Alex could neither make himself stop tasting Mulder, nor 
could he shut off the needfully clamoring segment of his 
brain that insisted on making comparisons. Smaller, 
smoother, somehow  thicker and blander on his tongue. He 
was awash with want, as opposed to simply being pierced by 
the blunt, salty solidity of  Walter. Alex was hazy with 
it, lost in the dust and spiraling  desire. Far too 
intoxicating. He felt a need for focus and began  to bite, 
an attempt to force himself back into the reality of his 
present situation.

Mulder's cries did the job and he pulled off, alarmed at 
the  hint of iron in his mouth.  "Oh, God, Mulder, I didn't 
mean--"

But Mulder only pulled him in for a kiss, slender fingers  
plucking and tearing at his clothes. 

"It's OK... feels good... need you..." Words breathed 
between  kisses. Absurd to need reassurance in this, but he 
did. Alex  had a moment to wonder just when this *had* 
gotten to be  about him before Mulder was cupping him 
through the cotton  of his boxers. Clever fingers to get 
him free and this was nothing at all like Walter.

Mulder was harder on him. He felt a bone deep thrill at the  
sheer, transparent need in the man -- eyes gone greenly 
electric in a way he doubted his own eyes could achieve. He 
let Mulder  roll him over, felt the tongue dip into his 
navel, the mouth  hover over his cock before descending in 
a series of sweetly  painful brushes. It wasn't supposed to 
be quite this way, but  there was no room for complaint. 

At least, there shouldn't have been, not with the ease with  
which his hand flowed through the sweat damp hair, over the  
skull that occasionally moved away from it's ministrations 
to  nuzzle further into his palm. Everything about Mulder 
was a  demonstration. There should have been some obscenity 
about the careless offer of the older man's vulnerability, 
but all it did  was remind him of the way Walter would 
touch him. 

Absurd to be in a situation like this. A source of pain 
that was purely emotional, and thus shameful. There was no 
reason for  him to be here, writhing into the loving -- 
there was no other  way to consider them -- caresses of a 
truly beautiful, truly  fucked up man and thinking of 
another. He already knew who  he'd be thinking of were he 
to go back to Walter. If Walter would even take him back. 

Mulder's mouth on him was hardly unfamiliar but the care  
was... Alex had no idea how he could keep from hurting 
anyone,  and no idea how to forget. Even for just a few 
moments...

But then Mulder let his tongue get into it and Alex opened 
his eyes to find himself being watched gravely as Mulder 
slipped  down and down. Snapped back and all he could do 
was buck,  and all Mulder did was close his eyes and take 
it. 

There was no safety here, and redemption seemed utterly out  
of reach. Alex looked at himself and saw a man without even  
half the strength necessary to resist the endless requests 
for  punishment that Mulder seemed to radiate like other 
men's  sweat. There was too much beauty in the suffering, 
too much  promise in the pale, inviting skin. 

//I can't do this.//

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ continued in (2/2) Deeper still and Mulder 
began to hum. He heard himself cry  out, allowed a slip to 
Russian and could only hope he'd be able  to keep names out 
of it entirely. Alex wanted to run, fast and  far. His mind 
showed him reel after reel of his fresh starts, and  even 
though he knew how all those starts had ended, there was a 
certain attraction to the rebirth of anonymity. He could 
find some other way to do what needed to be done. Perhaps 
even be someone else entirely this time... as opposed to 
the man being driven insane by the finger in his ass and 
the sleeve of want wetly chafing his cock.

Graze of teeth and the heat ratcheted up, finally, beyond 
the realm of thought. He was his cock, and there was 
nothing he needed more than *this*, right here, and for the 
space of several heartbeats it was as true as anything 
else. 

After, there was a time to let the sound of their breathing  
become too loud, too feel a sort of restive burrowing into 
the  shallow bowl of his hipbone. Moments passed and then 
Mulder crawled up along his body and gave him a kiss of 
himself

//How can you want this?//

that lasted far too long. Alex could feel the other man's 
urgency with the ceaseless rocking against too-sensitive 
flesh and made a conscious effort to clear his head. For 
this night, at least, he could try to give Mulder 
everything he had.

******

Walter took a sip of the industrial coffee and grimaced. 
Leaned back into the cheap velour seat of the rental and 
scowled. He'd forgotten just what a royal pain in the ass 
surveillance was.  However, there was caffeine, and there 
was camouflage. For  now, at least, it was precisely what 
he needed.

He'd lain in bed and brooded over Alex's departure for well 
over an hour. It had taken that long to recognize what he 
was doing. The realization was acutely embarrassing. He was 
neither so  old nor so

//Weak.//

patient as to accept Alex leaving. Not without a word or 
two.  They were both *too* old for that sort of bullshit. 
And so he'd  gotten up, gotten dressed, and gotten himself 
here -- Hegel  Place -- and there was no doubt in his mind 
that this was where Alex had wound up. Even without knowing 
what kind of

//Or whose.//

car the younger man had been driving he could *feel* him 
here. An itch at the base of his spine. A chill on the 
palms that  needed Alex's skin to warm them. And there was 
no doubt in his mind that Alex would be leaving this place, 
eventually. 

It wasn't so much a belief in his own irresistibility as 
the  comfortable simplicity of knowledge. There was a part 
of Alex  that *was* him, above and beyond the large part of 
himself that simply belonged to the other man. This was 
both possession  and kinship. This was a need he felt no 
reason to deny. There  were some things more important than 
even dignity.

And, as far as he was concerned, Alex only *thought* he  
understood that.

Nearly dawn and there he was. Walter sank as low as 
possible  in the seat, adjusted the worn cap. Surprisingly, 
Alex didn't stop at *any* of the nearby cars, just set out 
on foot. He kept to the limited shadows of the Alexandria 
dawn and moved efficiently. Walter gritted his teeth, 
waited until Alex was far enough away  to consider the 
sound a coincidence, and then started the car. 

Walter could imagine how Alex would stiffen as the car came  
alongside him. Probably already shifting a bit to make the 
gun  just that fraction more convenient to his hand. 

//I know you, Alex...//

He pulled off the cap and pulled up to the curb. Let 
himself be seen and recognized. Let himself be a little 
hurt by the worry in the wide, familiar eyes, a little 
warmed by the clearly  unconscious welcome. Rolled down the 
passenger window.

"Get in, Alex."

Alex quirked an eyebrow at the order, but it was a shadow 
of  the usual instinctive mockery. 

"Please." And the pain in saying it was as much in the  
knowledge of his manipulation as in the old distaste for  
exposure. However, it served the purpose of getting the man 
in the car, and that was something which couldn't be  
discounted. He smelled of Mulder, though, a wash of fresh  
game and expensive cologne that made him ache to bite. 
Walter took in the form slumped in the passenger seat and 
wondered what approach to take.

"Why did you leave? Do you love him more?"

//Well, no one ever accused me of subtlety.//

"Shit, Walter, ask the easy questions, why don't you?"

Walter didn't bother to answer, simply shifted in the seat 
to face him, fully aware that he was glaring. The effect on 
Alex  was always the same, an odd combination of blush and 
smirk that settled heavily in his chest and groin. 

//Is it their newness that makes your buttons 
irresistible?//

Alex leaned back into the headrest, threw out his legs in a  
position that seemed wrong to Walter at first. At least for 
this man. He used the time Alex spent thinking to consider 
it, then nearly hauled the man across the seat and into his 
arms. He was *relaxed*. At ease. Sprawled and beautiful. 
Walter settled for breathing deeply.

"You know, I have no idea what this is, really. I love you 
and Mulder... Mulder *does* something to me. It's stupid, 
wrong,  and dangerous--"

"Hardly new to you."

Alex snorted quietly, scrubbed his face with his hand. 
There  was a brief, raspy whisper of stubble. "No, Walter, 
not new. But hard to... resist. Remind me why you aren't 
fucking him again?"

The expression was so genuinely puzzled Walter had to 
chuckle. "Would it make it easier on you if I was?"

Alex brightened almost immediately and Walter wondered if  
everyone felt the urge to kill their beloved, now and 
again. If  only to keep the pain as fresh and clean forever 
as it was in  these moments. 

//I'm not letting you leave again.//

The brief moment of sunshine passed, though, and Alex 
laughed a little bitterly. "But it's not going to happen 
that way. If I  locked the two of you in a small room with 
some lube and a  bearskin rug would all that bristling 
would become more  sexual?" 

Walter laughed, slipped a hand between the car seat and 
Alex's neck. The younger man shifted into the touch 
automatically.  "He's just not my... type, Alex."

Alex was shaking, but the laughter was nearly silent. 
Finally,  he turned to look at Walter. "You *have* noticed 
that mouth,  haven't you?"

"I have."

"And the ass."

"That, too."

"But... you're not interested."

"I'm not saying I'd *necessarily* kick him out of bed if he 
crawled in after me one night..." Alex shuddered under his 
hand. "But I'd probably spend the next several weeks trying 
to un-make the  event. How much does a mind-wipe go for 
these days?"

The smile was a wickedness in delight. "I could probably 
hook  you up pretty easily, Waaaalterrr..."

He let his thumb dig lightly into Alex's nape and the dark 
head tilted back, the eyes closed. "He's not going to let 
you go, you  know. No matter how far you run. And..."

Movement under the soft lids and Walter wondered what Alex  
was seeing. 

"And what?"

"Neither am I." 

Another shudder under his hand and Alex was sliding across  
the seat himself, burrowing and nuzzling himself against  
Walter's body. Solidity and so much warmth...

//How could you think I would?//

"I wouldn't want you to, Walter..." Soft kisses on his 
throat,  moving up over his jaw, settling less on his mouth 
than near it. Alex looked up at him through his lashes. 
"But I don't seem to  be handling this monogamy thing very 
well, either..."

He took the invitation for what it was and kissed Alex 
deeply,  doing his best to pull the man into his lap and 
failing in the  most pleasant way imaginable. No matter 
what he smelled like, he tasted just fine. Alex pushed off 
with a hand that lingered,  wonderfully, on his chest and 
found a way to lounge between Walter and the steering 
wheel. His head was resting on Walter's  arm, which in turn 
was resting on the door -- prudently below the window. The 
position invited touch and Walter complied,  running a hand 
over the torso, losing himself in the feel of lean muscle -
- so tantalizingly close under the thin shirt.

Alex allowed himself to be petted for several silent 
moments before catching Walter's wandering hand. "I'm doing 
it again."

"What, Alex?"

"The old 'I've been a bad boy, please fuck me stupid and 
forget about it' routine."

Walter chuckled. "This is supposed to surprise me? I fell 
in love with you, Alex, not your attempts to behave. Though 
they are  adorable..."

Alex looked peeved for a fraction of a second, then 
proceeded to shift wonderfully half-on, half-off Walter's 
lap and released the hand to wander again. "So what do I 
tell Mulder?"

Walter grabbed the other man by the crotch and squeezed 
with  a sort of gentle implacability. Growled. "That he'll 
learn to  share or I'll break his neck." It was a pleasure 
to watch the pupils dilate, the lips part for a quick swipe 
of the tongue. He  removed his hand, reveled in the 
immediate snarl. "In fact, you should probably tell him 
now."

"Why?" Dangerously low voice and Walter knew this morning 
wouldn't end until he'd had the other man. Or else. For 
now, though...

"Think it through, Alex. How long is it going to take him 
to start brooding about your absence? Don't you have enough 
angst to put up with already?"

A quick snicker and then Alex was arching up to kiss him 
again, fast and lovely, before curling himself out of 
Walter's lap. The absence was maddening, but he'd said his 
piece. 

"You're right, of course, Walter." One last grin tossed 
over his shoulder... "I'll be back as soon as I can," and 
Alex was out of the car.

//You better.//

A part of him knew it wasn't going to be this easy, but 
Walter  had made his decision, and that in itself was a 
weight off his  soul.

~~~~
End.
~~~~