by Te
November 2000

Disclaimers: If they belonged to me, I'd probably be a trifle more

Spoilers: General second season Angel

Summary: Gunn does some thinking.

Ratings Note: PG.

Author's Note: Lots and lots of chats with my we, and sometimes
I can't really think it out without writing.

Acknowledgments: For my brain.

Feedback: I never once said no.


spike: thin, toy, greed

Gunn is having a small crisis of faith. Or maybe just one of the many
children of the larger crisis currently raging in his head. In the end, it
all boils down to the fact that he's been taking Angel on, well, faith.

He's the boss, he runs the new show, he's still *alive*, so Gunn has
to -- and he hates this, no matter how expedient it makes things --
assume that the man knows what he's doing.

Not that Angel isn't currently in scary obsessive freak mode, just
that Gunn has decided to trust the man to know his own limits.

And yes, it does make things easier, moves things right along on the
whole quest to fight evil, and they've been doing good with that. It
hasn't been that difficult, so far, to keep his feet in both pools. When
the job's done with Angel, it's back to his kids, his brothers and sisters
and *that* fight. He's learning, always learning, on both sides of
things. And the money has helped.

It's just that it's also just *easier* to ignore all the nasty little
home truths about Angel. To follow that one leader, one vision type
rule because... well, to be honest, it really is nice not to have to do
*all* the thinking. And Angel and his employees all have good heads
on their shoulders, though Cordelia's might just roll off if she gets
any thinner and none of that is the issue at hand.

Avoidance is never the refuge it feels like, unless certain death can
 be considered an escape of sorts. So, lay it all out then: Angel can go
evil if he has sex.

Angel is obsessed with a woman he was pretty much married to for one
hundred and fifty years.

Angel does not see this woman as a. Sister.

Ding ding ding. Right on it, now, and he can fully understand wanting to
 keep a loved one from doing something stupid and getting vamped like.

Who is still dead -- at least partially by his own hand -- and will remain
dead no matter what Angel works out with his little blonde.

Angel's saved his ass too many times for Gunn not to help -- there's one
reason, but it's nothing compared to the massive need Gunn has to stop
*this* from happening again. And even though there's bound to be someone
getting vamped right now, he can at least help Angel stop the... what?


Oh, that's getting chancy right there, and even more necessary to
consider. Gunn's never been much for beaches, but he knows you don't try
to save a drowning man unless you're ready to join him. Suicides are
greedy, and careless, and by rights he should be convincing Angel to let
Darla go her own way, and keep his stake nice and sharp.

But he isn't, and he won't. At least not right now, with Angel
disappeared off to God knows where.

What if it was someone he loved?

He'd kidnap a goddamned shrink for her, if he had to, and probably do
everything Angel himself is doing, and probably do it alone if he
thought he wasn't getting any help.

Cordelia and Wesley aren't doing anything right now but trying to pull
Angel back, and it's working about as badly as they should've known it
would. They should be out here helping, because the only thing that's
gonna get Angel past the Darla obsession is having her where he can
see her. Touch her and hold her and.

They were afraid. The both of them.

And no amount of stupidity on his part -- and he has a lot he can call
on -- will allow him to just write them both off as cowards. Both of
them had, apparently, seen Angel at his worst, and had no desire to see
it again. He could dig that, he's certainly no fan of the typical
soulless vampire, and Angel has that whole 'Scourge of Europe' thing to
fall back on should he choose to.

Or rather, should he choose to put his soul in danger. Was it only
happiness that did that?

How happy would he be to save his lover?

How much should that weigh against a woman's life?

And always coming back to the question -- what if he had the chance
to save Alonna? To take back the stake, and the vampires, and every
stupid thing he'd done to put them both in that situation?

What would stop him?

Angel's certainly not out saving souls while he hunts for Darla. Can't
be guilt.... what would happen if Cordelia had a vision while Angel was
following another Darla related lead? The thought puts a bad taste in
his mouth. He's honestly not sure Angel would listen to the Powers
should the situation come up.

And that's... not a good sign.

So now there were a few.

Singlemindedly obsessed enough to lie to his partners, to ditch his
partners altogether -- witness Gunn's own solitude here, save for
assorted trash and what might have been a child's toy once upon a
time -- and to endanger every soul he's theoretically supposed to save.
Right. Not to mention his partners. It would've been nice if Angel had
actually *had* a plan about busting into Wolfram and Hart.

He's trusting Angel, why?

Gunn shakes his head and kicks the toy across the room. It might be
time to settle in for that long talk about Angel with Wesley and

Though he doesn't think he could stop himself from trying to help Angel
again, if he asked. Some things were just too damned important for sense.