Relax
by Te
January 2000    

Disclaimers: If they were mine, I'd organize them 
better. And have Ethan label them for me. Heh...

Spoilers: Vague 4th season stuff.

Summary: Xander does some thinking. 

Ratings Note: R for language, implied sexual 
situations.

Author's Note: I'm not quite sure this counts as 
a UC, but that's how it's meant, I swear...

Audienced and midwifed by Dawn Sharon.

*
"There's a fear down here we can't forget
Hasn't found a name just yet 
Always awake, always around..."
    -- "Throwing Stones" by Grateful Dead
*

There's no place to relax. At all. Now that I'm a 
boarder in my house my parents can't seem to 
quite leave me alone. My mother is always calling 
down with questions, random statements... when 
she runs out of things to say she hovers at the 
top of the stairs, behind the closed door.

I can feel her there.

Anya used to wait with me for my mother to walk 
away, but once she realized that she'd never 
actually come down...

It's bizarre to get blown while waiting for your 
mother to come up with some interesting and 
heretofore unknown fact about Uncle Rory's 
adventures with everclear.
 
Because she'll do that. Sometimes inspiration 
comes within whatever time period she sets 
herself, and suddenly the creeping silence will 
be broken. 

"And I know you heard about..." Whatever. 
Except that I haven't, and she knows I haven't, 
and even if I had she really wouldn't care. The 
only thing to do is wait it out, grunting in the
right places.

It's a game to Anya now, of course. Trying to 
get me to make better sounds... And it's 
definitely funny. It really is. Most of the time. 
 
Anya is everything a fuckbuddy should be, a 
fantastic lay who just happens to be a friend. 
Her centuries as a demon makes her... interesting
to be around, and I was flattered when she 
offered to gut my mother. 

I just... can't seem to relax when I'm here.

Anya wants me to move in with her, but she 
lives above *Willie's* of all places. It's... not
happy there. I mean, she assures me it's a blast, 
what with several of her ex-kin on hand every 
night, but...

There's only so many times you can hear "Don't 
Fear The Reaper" from the jukebox downstairs 
before you kill yourself in self-defense. Besides, 
I'm reasonably sure the thing's alive.
 
We don't spend a lot of time there, really. 

Parks are out of the question, graveyards are a 
lively little joke, and Giles gets huffy whenever 
he smells books on me. 

"My God, Xander, the ashes have barely *cooled*!"

There's always Giles' house, but there's a Spike 
there more often than not. Everytime I show up 
there I get vampsitting duty, and just when all
the bickering gets interesting I start to remember
all the things Spike's done to fuck with my life 
and then comes the anger, and the guilt, and 
there's not enough tea in the world to make me 
relax with that. 

I wonder if Anya will still want me when I'm 
wrinkled and grey. Will she dump me for a 
younger man? Will he be old enough to shave? 
Anya's scary sometimes, like when she grabs me
by the back of my neck and reminisces on 
things she's done to other men over the 
centuries while she's fucking me with her 
strap-on. 

It adds an entirely different dimension to things, 
though I wonder how long before I start 
associating creeping dread with sex.

Of course, at this point I'm not really sure I 
haven't *already* made the connection, 
considering the way my relationships have 
worked... Maybe I'm already corrupted... Maybe 
I let Anya take advantage of me because that's 
what I really *need*.

Now that's an unhappy Ricki Lake thought: 
Boys Who Like To Be Scared, And The Demons 
Who Abuse Them. 

What happens when Anya 
dumps me/dies/becomes horribly enchanted/
turns evil/tries to eat me? 

Who's next? Drusilla? 

Sure, she's pretty unvamped, and she has toys 
to play with, and she probably won't think I'm
excessively weird, but am I ready to go there? I 
think not.

There's always Spike, who at least can't kill me. 
No way he's strictly for girldemons, I mean look 
at that relationship with Angel. What if Drusilla 
catches me with Spike, though? What do 
vampires do with the mortal in the middle?

What if I get desperate and wind up with a demon 
who isn't even attractive, like Angel? God, he'd 
just keep beating me with that awning he calls a
forehead. And then he'd make us both *brood* or 
something.

What if the reason I don't like Angel is because 
he actually has a soul? God, I'm just another 
naive young thing looking for bad boys to smack 
me around, aren't I? It all goes back to my 
parents, I just know it. 

I wonder if Angel has a quiet, homey apartment. 

Anya would find me there, tied to his bedposts, 
being flogged to within an inch of my life in a 
perfectly safe, sane way and... Hmm. 

I wonder if Anya owns any leather bustiers. And 
then Giles could show up, and argue angstily 
with Angel over something involving Buffy and 
wait, that's really boring.

Giles could show up all Ripperized and scare 
Angel away and he and Anya could leave me on 
the bed while having mad passionate sex with 
each other. Wait, no. 

Cordelia could... no.

Wi -- no. 

If I squint, I can see the pink toes of my mother's 
slippers under the crack in the door. It's been... 
eight minutes since her last comment about John 
McCain's chances for the presidency. 

Anya is in the bathroom, and it sounds like she's
sharpening something.  

I think I'd be more worried that I was going to 
hell if I couldn't actually just trip and fall in 
someday... but God? 

Could you just give my next demon a 
soundproofed apartment?

Hmmm wait... Can I take that wish back?

End.