by Janete
August 2001

Disclaimers: If they belonged to us, we'd let them frolic
and play all the time.

Spoilers: General third season Buffy, Lover's Walk in

Summary: What happens next.

Ratings Note: NC-17

Authors' Note: Happy birthday, Sheila, you big giant
freak! *mwah*

Feedback keeps young boys in jewelry.,


It's only later, in the alley, that Xander gets the edges
of Oz's look. *Why Grandma, what big eyes you have!*

Somewhere between angry and. Hungry. Animal. He's not sure
how far it's a you-are-so-dead-Harris kind of look, how far
it's just the wolf coming awake.

Either way, it's not a good look.

As a matter of fact, it's exactly the sort of look he
deserves. Jesus. What the fuck was he thinking? Can he
blame the head wound?

No, he really can't. A trophy to the side of the head is
nothing compared to. Cordy. God, and he'd taken one step
toward the ambulance before Buffy just shoved him on his
ass and climbed in herself.

Leaves him out in the dark, more or less. This suddenly
empty alley, and however gung-ho people might have been
about rescuing him, they're not going to offer him anything
as useful as a ride. So. Head down, shoulders curled in.
Walking. It's warm, which somehow doesn't work for him.
With the generally messed-up nature of the universe
tonight, it ought to at least be cold enough to give him
goose flesh. Nothing like this easy, comfortable breeze.

Lot of blocks home. Part of him whispering that it's good
he doesn't have school tomorrow, 'cause it'd be a bitch
getting up tomorrow in time. Another part still screaming
about Cordy. And Willow. And this new, kind of crawling
fear that's suggesting to him that he's fucked up in
entirely new and creative ways.

Finally just ducks down the next alley and crouches there
for a while. Far enough out from the shadows that there isn't
really cover for vamps unless they're hiding in somebody's
roses. Lays a hand on the ground and tries to shake himself
back into a more comfortable state of Xander-ness.

And in spite of the lack of demon-hiding cover, there's a
hand on him. Startling enough to make him suck in his
breath to scream. A second hand clamps over his mouth. And
nose. Not enough air and for a good few seconds things are
greying through the general black-and-whiteness of the dark.

Tries to relax, and maybe he's not gonna die, because the
hand eases down from over his nose, and he starts to get
that whoever's holding him down is shorter than him, and
maybe he could run if he had enough something-or-other in
his jelly legs to even hold himself up. Dried fruit, maybe.
The tough kind that's like what he imagines eating skin must
be like, that you get in green jell-o molds.

And oh, yeah, the Xanderbrain is firing on all cylinders
tonight. He's never going to be able to look at a jell-o
mold again without pulse-pounding terror, which is
unfortunate, as molds are pretty much the height of his
mom's culinary prowess and slowly, slowly, very slowly he
calms down.

And recognizes the hand, or at least the feel of all the
rings against his face.



Because this night was getting really, really high up there
on the list of bad nights so it decided to get worse.

And they're just standing there.

Xander has plenty of time to notice how Oz's eyes gleam in
the dimness and wonder exactly when the next full moon is.
Lots and lots of time.

Anxiety *crawling* all over him, out from the pit of his
stomach all over his body. Goosebumps. Fuck. See, because
it's not that Oz could beat him up, at least not very badly.

It's that Oz wouldn't. Even though he has every reason to.
Even though that's maybe the one thing short of his own
painful death that could make this *better*.

Even if he *crawled*, probably. No beating. Just that
intense Oz-look. Warm little hands holding him down. Until
he shakes himself back into togetherness. And then lets go.
Just stands in front of him and looks. Steady and god he's
so *little*. Just a bit past Xander's collarbone. Just
about the same as Willow.


Not a thing to think about. Not Willow, not Oz-like-Willow.

He looks very, very hard at the tangle of hemp-string and
chains around Oz's neck, and thinks almost zen-like
thoughts about the jewelry he's seen Oz wear from time to
time. Safe ground.

Little body backing him gradually up against the trash
cans. Not even threatening, it's just that Oz in Xander's
personal space is this dense, mind-boggling force. Not sure
if he can handle it.

It's really quiet, really. Little wind in the trees. Tiny
ringing of Oz's jewelry. Breath.

Fingers in the hair at the back of his neck making this
hissing, sliding sound. Sounds like a threat right up until
Oz pulls Xander's mouth down and kisses him.

Weirdly almost something he could handle. It's Oz, and he's
Xander, and there are all kinds of thoughts he hasn't been
thinking that are, nonetheless, a kind of foundation for


Oz is small, and his kiss is. It's not soft, but it's nowhere near
the bruising thing that would somehow fit this
situation in a way that he's -- again -- not thinking about.

Instead. It's just a kiss. Long and slow and deep. Oz's
tongue in his mouth such a shock, such a... some big ugly
word like *transgression*.

Xander could take this if Oz was *taking*. But he's just
being kissed and maybe, maybe tasted.

Confirmed when Oz pulls back, when Xander realizes he's
been staring at Oz's closed eyes, when Oz *opens* his eyes
and just. Pins him there.

Same anger, and an added darkness.

"I can taste her on you."

Something there isn't any real answer to. "Yes," isn't
really the way to go, and "No" is just an utter lie. And
instead what comes out is, "You too."

Which isn't the right thing to say either, but he's not
sure he's got any hope of getting it right at this stage.
And it's more or less true. It's an almost-familiar taste.
Not sure whether it's because Willow tastes like Oz or
because Oz kissed Willow tonight or just that Oz and Willow
taste like each other. Something in common on a level that
Xander doesn't entirely get.

Not exactly the same, though. Willow tastes like the ozone
you get after rain, and Oz tastes like. Old, loose
electricity. Both of them charged, but differently.

Wrong thing, though. Wrong thing to say and he *knows* it,
knows it really clearly when Oz gets him around the back of
the head again. Pushes him down until he's kneeling and
Xander's looking up. At the sheer, bright *fierceness* that's got
him by the scruff. Searching and fierce and, yeah, *mad*, but
running on a couple of levels Xander doesn't think he's ever
visited. Sharp little teeth showing. Sharp little thumbs against
his windpipe.

And maybe not the wrong thing, because this. Well, on his
knees seems like a damned good place to start. "Oz, I'm --"

"Shut. Up."

Just those two words, and the brief tightening of the grip
on his throat and Xander swallows. Struggles to do it
against Oz's thumbs. Looks up.

Their own little world right here. Just the two of them,
Mr. Angry and Mr. Guilty, only if it was really just the
two of them then there'd be no need for anger or guilt so.

Willow's here.

Willow's watching, and waiting.

Thinks about saying that. Getting it out there.

Taking things up a notch, because really, how long can they
really stay here like this? Xander on his knees and Oz just
this far to the right of strangling him. Would he fight?
Was this a bad enough fuckup for him *not* to fight?


Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's bad enough.

"Oz --"

"I want what you have."

And that's. Well, it's really kind of a bizarre thing to
say, because Xander is pretty much the king of not-having
and he's about to ask what Oz means when he gets it.

Willow. Her easy friendship. Easy when at least one of them
was in deep denial, anyway. Their history. Willow.

"I don't know how to give you that."

Pale look. And he gets another kiss. This time with Oz bent
over him, just about *crawling* into his mouth. Like he
could suck Willow out of Xander with that kiss.

Breaks it off sharp, like he's figured out that's not gonna
work and he's ready to move onto the next idea. Looms over
Xander for a bit, which is mostly proof of guy-on-his-knees
mentality. As long as Oz is standing straight, and Xander's
not kneeling right up, he's more or less face-to-belly with
Oz. Low jeans in front of him. Belt just showing. T-shirt
hem and something underneath making a shadow-shape, and
this tiny, tiny sound.

Just way too easy to push one hand out and reach under Oz's
shirt. If he were any kind of ... anything, really, he'd be
cowering, or apologizing or something, but the
Xanderbrain's gotten distracted by shiny somethings.

It is, actually. Little chain under his fingers, around
Oz's waist. Bells on it. Like a cat's collar or something.
Body-warm metal and these tiny, tiny bells. The tiny, tiny
sounds they make between his fingers.

Needs to apologize somehow. For kissing Willow and for
fucking up and hurting Cordy and making them look for him
when he wasn't dead. Or really injured.

Leans in and presses his mouth to Oz's navel, just above
the chain.

Kisses him there, and then *really* kisses him there, not
really awake to what he's doing until the taste of Oz's
sweat explodes on his tongue and then it hits, hits hard,
kissing, kissing Oz.

Not even on the *mouth*.

Kissing Oz's body and if he stopped then he'd have to admit
that he had no idea what he was doing and he's supposed to
have an idea here. This is supposed to be about something,
an apology, something.

This isn't supposed to *count*.

Slipping his tongue into Oz's navel, and doing it again.

And again.

And again, until it's the only thing that makes any sense
at all. Oz's body, Xander's mouth. The thing that gets him
into the most trouble so maybe it can get him out of it?
No, that's lame. Beyond lame. Anything like an explanation
for this would have to be lame, because there *is* none,
but it's making sense to some part of him that maybe
doesn't need reasons.

Doesn't need anything but the feel of the chain digging
into his chin, and Oz's hard, hot body, so *small* in his

And Oz's hands.

In his hair.

God, *gripping* him. Pushing him in. This soft, wet little
indentation that's full of his tongue. Oz-body smell in his
nose like something thick enough to touch. Chain against his
chin, and the next time he shifts, denim bumps against the
underside of his jaw.

Hard. Oz is hard.

Something that should freak him but instead just makes him
want to get down farther. Open, wet kiss to Oz's belly
button and he makes his hands busy underneath. Into button,
into zipper, into soft, warm cotton knit. Inside.

Warm, slick in his hand. Slick on the underside of his jaw.
There's something really clear about the way the head of
Oz's cock bobs down and brushes Xander's throat. Slick
there, too, and the hands in his hair are *fierce* holding
him there.

Still just kissing Oz's belly. Waiting for something.

Like maybe he has a right to.

Wait, that is.

This *can't* be just him, whether he deserves it or not.
Whether it counts or not. He's never even *done* this,
barely got anything like permission to maybe, maybe do this
for Cordy some time in the future and that's never going to
happen and he hears this terrible sound and he realizes
that he's the one who made it.

Just breathing against Oz now. Face slick with his own
spit. Oz's cock very obviously *there*. Waiting.

Until Oz tilts Xander's head back and the look he gets is.
Oz is. All that anger, and something like hurt, and a
confusion that's maybe the scariest thing out of this whole

And there's the sense of questions, hovering there between
them, not being asked, and Xander thinks maybe it's better
that way. He doesn't have a single answer.

Xander bows his head, and opens his mouth.

Little bump against his chin, and a slide across his cheek.
Hips in front of him moving, careful like someone flying for
the first time, what he thinks that must be like. And just
the tiny slide of the head into his mouth. Salty shock of
it that makes Xander jerk back in spite of what he thought
was resignation.

Soft, steady fingers in his hair. Not even forcing. Asking
him, yeah, maybe holding him a bit steady. A bit more
determined when he goes in this time. Takes it instead of
waiting and slides his tongue across the smooth tip he
gets. Salty and sour, but something about the *skin*, about
the bodyness of this. Oz's little torn-up breaths above him.
The fingers twisting in his hair at *just* the same speed
that he's using to suck.

Just one hand, he realizes, because the other one's
touching his face, and *fuck*, he doesn't deserve this.
Girlfriend in the hospital, best friend in the same shit
he's in, and the guy whose quiet, really happy little love
thing he just ground into the clean, unholy Sunnydale mud
is petting his face. Rubbing his jaw and rubbing at the
corner of his eye. Thumb down the shape of his cheek until
it reaches his mouth. Pushing at the edge for a second, and
Xander gets to think for a second that he could suck that,
too. That finger, that hand. Get the whole prehensile thing
going. Let Oz *really* reach inside him.

Has to let go for it. Slide of Oz's cock across his face
and this little mostly-disappointed sound, but he gets the
thumb and an actual forefinger both between his lips. Rubs
his tongue into the skin-web hollow between them and sucks
on that thinness. Gets this little shiver in his belly
every time one or the other finger rubs a nail over his
tongue. Wet knees of his jeans. He didn't think the ground
was wet, but maybe somebody watered their garden and it
seeped through. Maybe just the wetness that goes with
'dark'. Huge wetness of Oz's cock rubbing at his face.
Slick grabbingness of the fingers in his mouth.

Wants to suck them down his throat and see what they can
drag loose.

Still has the fingers in his mouth when the other hand lets
go of his hair. Slide of it along that belly, catching on
the chain and bells and making them shimmer just at eye
level. While Oz grabs himself and tugs once, somewhere
between sorry and newly wanting, and tucks it back into his
jeans. Not easy while he's that hard, with only one hand,
but he manages. Offers Xander the hand when he's finished
and gasps out something that's almost a laugh when Xander
tongues the saltiness right off his palm.

Little whisper on top of his head, "Not here."

Enough to make Xander really aware of the rubber garbage
cans all around them like evil mushrooms. Of the big ugly
things out tonight.

Just about ready to crawl, though. On his knees with Oz's
fingers in his mouth wherever he decides they're going.
Only gets up because he isn't fast enough the other way.
Way too tall, suddenly, not quite the way it should be for
him to be this much taller. Has to let go of the fingers.

Has to follow.

Out of the alley to Oz's very Oz-ish van. Shotgun seat
suddenly his and Oz's small focused being beside him,
driving. Quiet in the dark and just occasional oncoming
traffic that lights Oz's face up. Thinking that all they
really need is somewhere quiet enough for him to do this.
Back of the van, even, in something like a parking lot.
Outside the school, which might work, you know.

And it occurs to Xander that he *wants* this. That he's
hard, almost to the point of needing to touch his cock if
he wants to remain sane, and it's. About Oz.

About all the Willow between them, yeah, and the way she'd
felt crushed against Xander's chest and this is wrong,
really wrong. Lusting after Willow while preparing to go
off somewhere and suck her boyfriend's dick. Someone,
somewhere, is not being fair to someone else, and it might
even be him.

Only. Sense memory of Oz's fingernail on his tongue and he
has to adjust himself. Can't look to see if Oz is watching,
to see if Oz is *thinking* whatever thoughts Ozzes think at
times like these and when they do finally stop it's at the
typical makeout spot.

Where Xander's touched Cordy and obsessed over Oz touching
Willow and somehow he's leaning in, and kissing Oz, and
being kissed and it's wrong, illicit, exciting, necessary,
shameful. Everything. Oz having this from him. Oz *knowing*
this about him when Xander can't even think it without being
terrified, without getting hard, and when Oz pulls out of
the kiss Xander can't even move.

Can't do anything but answer Oz's stare with his own for
long, aching minutes until Oz undoes his seatbelt.

Moves into the back and Xander's maybe this close to
hyperventilating, closer still to doing something safe and
insane like taking his cock out and coming all over the
dashboard, but he follows Oz, instead.

Crouched over, tripping over something and nearly falling.

Hands on him in the dark, guiding him down onto what feels
like piles of clothes, and something soft.

Oz's choice, Oz's control, Oz's decision to make this more
real than any blowjob in an alley could ever be. To take
Xander here, surround him with himself. Touch him and want
him and make this something they'll both have to
acknowledge in the morning when all Xander wants is to *do*

Make Oz come in his mouth. Run away home and jerk off
violently in his own messy room and it's just not going to
happen that way.

The back of the van smells like pot and Oz and warm air.
Dark, warm, soft, and it takes Xander a minute to realize
that this is a *den*. Wolf on top of him. Maybe the most
laid-back wolf of the last century or so, but still. He
should be scared or something. Bare his teeth? Roll over
and show his belly and wait to see what gets ripped out of

Shiver along him at the deja-vu connection as Oz bends over
him and rubs a hand up under Xander's shirt. Gets it up to
his chest and holds it there. Palm spread over the soft
middle of him. Little gnawing grind of teeth and Oz bends
and oh god *bites* him.

Not hard enough to break the skin, but Xander's all of a
sudden all on the outside of himself. Tense and wide-eyed,
watching Oz bite him. Warm, small, very deliberate tongue
massaging the skin-fold held between his teeth.

Oz's eyes are this inhuman kind of bright. Vivid enough
that Xander can see him looking through the dark. Nothing
like Willow's shadowy presence after dusk or Cordy's
all-day smokiness. Oz lets go of some heavily bruised
Xanderflesh and crawls up him. Drops between his knees
with a seriousness that pushes Xander's legs apart, lies in
and mauls him. Lips and teeth and stubble on his mouth, and
somehow the lack of biting doesn't make it any less raw.
Holding him down. And in spite of his sheer littleness, Oz
has that extra-special advantage of being Older. Teenager
hierarchy of grades and years and pack-mentality that he's
obviously got some special insight into.

Hard-on against his bared stomach, denim and this
barely-there warmth of flesh underneath. Thrusts against
him with this kind of fierce, utterly male urgency. The
sort of thing that makes Xander actually *want* to give
up. Give it up. Lie there and let Oz *take* this away
from him.

Startled when Oz slides over, jerks and pulls Xander up and
on top of him. Stronger than he should be. Not just
little, but all bone and very thin muscle-layers, and he
looks *fragile*, except for the expression.

Hooks a leg around Xander's and holds him down for a
minute. Then pushes up and in.

Little growl. "Move."

"What?" Like Oz didn't just *put* him there, on top.

"You gonna just lie there?"


He guesses not. Something about the pale littleness, the
growl, Oz being suddenly sexy beyond all belief even with
all of his clothes still on. Clamped onto him like a dog
on a bone, like a wolverine, like one of those animals -- a
pit bull? -- that doesn't let go even after it's dead.

Hands in the back of his hair again, holding his head down
against Oz's throat. *Both* legs hooked behind his, making
Oz's crotch this new kind of surface that he can thrust
against. Demanded *take me* in it, with an edge of
do-it-or-I'll-make-you-pay that makes the hair on his arms
stand up.

Xander pulls back just once, pushes up on his forearms. And
Oz *rears* up after him. Clamps both arms around his neck
and opens his mouth against Xander's shoulder. Blunt teeth
against the skin, hard enough that it's a threat.

A *purposeful* threat, and Oz isn't going to let him do
anything but what *Oz* wants, this much is clear. But what
he wants...

Pulled in tight, body to body, thrusting against each other
until things are suddenly very serious, very *focused* and
Xander catches himself mouthing Oz's throat and doesn't
stop. This, too, is allowed. Wanted. Demanded.

And he gets it in this completely non-thinking way. Xander
can't just be taken, punished, used. Xander has to be a
willing participant in everything this is. Make it
terrible, irrevocably, real that he's getting off with
Willow's boyfriend.

*On* Willow's boyfriend.

And Christ, who *is* he that this is the only possible way
to spend a Thursday night? Poked, prodded, bitten and
threatened into homosexual sex of the sort that his cock
has no objections to whatsoever.

Moving together with Oz, tasting him, wild and salt, and
Xander breaks away. Loses a few tufts of hair wrestling out
of Oz's grip and pulls back.

Waits to be pounced on, bitten again, but Oz only looks at
him. All that anger still there, but Oz is. Hard. For him.
For everything this is.

And Xander reaches over half-blindly, fumbles for the fly
of Oz's jeans, knuckles brushing warm and terrifying over
the length of Oz's cock. Pulls it out and strokes. Weird
angle resolving almost immediately into just a different
way of doing things.

He's already sucked Oz, a handjob is no more horrifying
than anything else going on.

Loving the slick length of him against his palm. Squeezing
a little on the upstroke and Oz gasps. Bucks into Xander's

Still no threats, so Xander has to assume he's doing this
right. Makes him angry. Makes him so hard that thinking's
something other people, boring people do. Not people who
jerk their best friend's boyfriend's cock in the back of a

Not people like *him* and what *is* this? Is this
punishment? Because Xander... he doesn't feel punished so
much as *fucked* with. Mind and body.

Enough that some part of him wants to get *out*. He
wonders, if he ran, would Oz stop him. Hold him down and
make him do this? Is it still an issue if he never tests
it, never finds out?

Rubs his knuckles along the chain. It's still there, the
little metallic line on Oz's skin, just showing under his
t-shirt's hem. Bells muffled against his body. Wondering,
the bit of him that's not angry, what else is under those

Reaches out with the hand that's not jerking and pushes the
shirt up. Chest, neck, straining under the arms. Pushes
until Oz raises his arms and wiggles out. Lays back like
that, hands tangled in his shirt and just *stretched*
back. Making his ribs and the tight line of his belly
show. Pushing his cock up into Xander's next pull.

Rubs the heel of his hand along that stretched body. Down
to Oz's waist, where he can get a grip on denim and soft
warmth of underwear and push both out of the way. Changes
hands to slide Oz's cock loose, then just hangs on while Oz
gets them the rest of the way off. Sneakers kicked off into
the corner and these really white bare feet, marked in a way
that make Xander wonder whether Oz was ever wearing socks.

Extra little indecency in that. No socks. Bare feet.
Whatever will the neighbours think?

Hell, naked Oz. Naked with this little extra
self-possessed twist that makes Xander want to check
whether *he's* naked. Naked boy is a very different thing
from even boy-with-his-cock-in-Xander's-mouth-but-most-of-
his-clothes-on. Less accidental.

Shocking slide of Oz's cock into the centre of his hand,
making Xander shiver in a way that's just a bit too

Oz reaches out. Gets Xander by the collar and drags him
down. On his side, and bites down on the round edge of his
shoulder. Pulls his shirt off over his head, which leaves
them with one pair of jeans and the usual single-person
allotment of underwear, socks, and shoes.

Pulls him in and kisses him.

Different again. Less like some fairy-tale character
coming to eat him up and more like. Well, making out. Wet
and hungry and pushing towards the magic sex-place. Hauls
Xander in, and he gets to really experience nakedness
against him before he rolls Oz underneath.

More kissing, and touching. Hands on Oz's body, smoothing
and pressing and holding and pinching and Oz doing the

Oz's hands between them doing raw, rough things to his
nipples that make him start to thrust again. The purer feel
of Oz, now that he's naked. Under him.

Gay sex. Jesus.

Xander thinks his head will explode if he does anything
resembling serious thought so he just... lets things shut
down. It feels good. Oz feels good.

Oz feels good in a way that makes him roll them both over
again until Oz is straddling him.

Until he can reach up and twist Oz's nipples, both at once


Just his name, in that voice. Something like magic in
making Oz verbal and he wants to do it again. Sitting up
awkwardly to kiss him, mouth his face and throat and *show*
him this.

This is what he wants. To be known this way. No matter
which of them started it. Yes, he wants to say, this is
what I would do with Willow. Taste her touch her bite her
make her moan just the way you did.

Touch her.

Slips his hand down to Oz's cock, leans back against the
passenger seat. Bracing himself. Leverage to touch, using
this permission and demand. Oz's sac in his palm, heavy and

Dusting of hair tickling his hand and Xander bends
awkwardly to take Oz's nipple between his teeth and. Press.

The wondering. Have they gone this far? He's never seen
Cordelia naked. Not that he's seeing Oz naked now, only he
is *feeling* him. Touching him, and he isn't moaning but he
is gasping. Holding on to Xander's shoulders and just.
Offering himself.

Makes no sense, nothing making any sense but the slide of
skin on skin and the taste of Oz. God. He's tasted Oz.

He wants to do it again.

Shifting and moving, thumping against something painfully,
getting an elbow in the ribs and Oz is flat beneath him and
Xander is working his nipples. Sucking and biting and.
Suckling. God. Willow. Her breasts would be soft. Her smell
would be soft. Not like this, and imagining it just makes
him harder and Oz is hard all over and when Xander finds
himself nosing at his groin he doesn't hesitate.

Licks and kisses.

This cock, that might have been *inside* Willow and he has
to taste again.

*Has* to.

Fuck his mouth on the length of it. Oz's hands settling in
his hair. Oz's body. All his.

All of it?

And. It's not like he knows. Not like he's thought about.
Or ever tried. Just that once, with Jesse, jerking each
other off but everybody does that but not everyone.

Spreads Oz's thighs.

Runs his thumb behind his balls and. Down.

Soft little path of skin, incredibly thin. Sensitive. Oz
still isn't making any noise, but he's *twisting* every
time Xander presses. Silent, constant movement by the time
Xander reaches the rest of the way down and touches him
There. Rubbing the pad of his thumb against the pucker
until Oz does gasp, just once. Feels the little bit of
give that reminds him that it's a *hole*. That he could,
if he wanted.

Finds his other hand on Oz's throat, rubbing up and down
across the Adam's apple. Brings it up and pushes the thumb
against Oz's lips. Oz takes it in, sucks once, briefly,
wetly, then lets go.

Frustrated for a second until eventually he just sucks it
himself. His own thumb in his mouth next to the other
length. Something about the shape of it. Works on getting
it really seriously wet.

Shifts and puts the hand he was touching Oz with down to
support himself, and brings the other one in. Awkwardness
of lefthanded exploration, but the spit-slick's exactly
what he needed. Little push against flesh that gives, then
a hard one. And Oz opens.

God *tight* around him. Xander angles his thumb to get
that little hole open. Really close to it as long as he's
still sucking the head of Oz's cock, enough to have a
certain amount of leverage. Enough to really work it in,
get it deep, make Oz twist again.

Gonna fuck him.

Thought like a hugely contained explosion right behind his
eyes, thumb in Oz, pushing *in* Oz and he's hot there. So
incredibly tight and Xander suddenly can't stand not being
naked. Pulls out, pulls off and strips, not quite able to
look straight at Oz, naked and spread out before him, until
he can touch him with his entire body.

Legs tangling together and skin, so much incredible skin.
Fine-grained and hot. Slick with sweat Xander has to lick
for long moments before sucking on his fingers.

Getting them good and wet. Slippery.

Slip inside with his index finger and *twist*.

Fuck Oz that way and wonder with a kind of helplessness how
it feels.

Wonder what's making him sweat like that. If it hurts. If
it feels. Good.

Memory of particularly adventurous porn and Xander pushes
his finger in to the second knuckle. Shifts and presses and
moves it until Oz arches off the floor. Cries out.

Almost shocking enough to make him pull out, try speech
again, no matter how badly that worked out the last time.

Instead he does it again, and again. Gets his arm in a
mostly comfortable position and thrusts against that spot.
This, at least, is vaguely familiar. Cordy, god, Cordy
loved it when he rubbed her like this. Only a vague notion
of where a clit ought to be, but apparently his fingers
had worked it out.

Like they're working it out now.

Spreads Oz's thighs a little wider with his free hand.
Doesn't have to, can't even really *see* clearly. Just the
shine of the belly chain. Pale gleam of Oz's thighs. Smooth
on the inside like any girl's.

Like Willow's would be.

God. God. And if Oz knew half of what was going through
Xander's head he'd use the belly chain to *hang* him, but
it doesn't look like there's going to be anything like
meaningful conversation.

Just Xander. In Oz.

And somehow, he has to *think* about this. Not like,
what-the-fuck-am-I-doing thoughts, which are wayyy too
dangerous for the right-nowness of this evening, more like
which-way-am-I-gonna-do-this. Thinking about the wet-slick
touches he's had with Cordy, warm, wet girlness, and the
lack of that here. Even his fingers were just barely slick

Bumps his ankle on something and classifies it as a
hallelujah when what he comes up with is that particular
hollow-sounding plastic that's always, at least in his
experience, hand lotion. Gets the little round bottle in
his hand and upends it.

Even Xander's nostrils flare at the smell, so Oz's must be
wide open. It's floral, spicy, very sweet. Like
little-girl perfume. Or Willow.

It's Willow's.


But cool and slick in his hands and somehow he's using it
anyway. All along his cock with both slippery hands, then
two fingers pushing into Oz. Adds one from the other hand
and he can *feel* the little tremble that gets. Distract
him. Make him pay attention to Xander's hands instead of
Willow's smell. Even if it's all around them. Hanging
over their heads when Xander slides down on top of Oz.

Wrong angle, but he has something like a vague idea of how
to do this. Get those pale little legs over his arms and
lift them, make Oz's ass into a kind of offering. Get his
cockhead up against the hole and. Push.

Just hissing breaths while he does it. He's had three
fingers in and it's tight anyway. Different from anything
female, and he should have *known* that, but. But. Little
pale redhead under him, and at the moment it doesn't really
matter to him who it is. Warm, soft-hard body that he's

Balls-deep by now, and he's got his knees on the floor for
leverage. Legs on his arms like a barrier between them.
Has to get *in* there. Kiss and bite and lick and fuck
him, mouth and ass until he makes those little noises
Xander just *knows* he'll make.

Thing is, Oz doesn't *make* noise. Even now, with Xander
pushed all the way in and he's so fucking *deep*. He has
to be feeling that way up inside. But Oz just sort of
pulls in on himself. Shakes and breathes and shakes and
Xander takes one leg and puts it behind him, around his
waist. And the other one. Bends and kisses and Oz's
calves hook over Xander's ass and hang on.

It's maddening, makes his scalp prickle, makes him strain
for the sound of each ragged breath, holding his own so as
not to make any extra sound.

Xander *needs* this in some way he can't even begin to
examine. Something lost to be this deep inside Oz and not
be able to hear him do... anything but breathe.

Slips his hand around Oz's softening cock and works it in
time to his hips. Not so much thrusting as these raw little
pushes that make Xander grunt.

Something like triumph when Oz starts to harden again in
his fist, to pull Xander in harder with his legs, but still
no actual sound.

And he knows this is just Oz, could have guessed that sex
with him would be as quiet as anything else with him, but
it's still.


Like Xander is nothing to be concerned about, even
balls-deep in his ass with a fist around his cock.
*Fucking* him. And he can't take these little pushes
anymore. Pulls out almost all the way and squeezes Oz's
cock maybe too hard before slamming back in.

And that got a noise. A little bitten off moan that makes
Xander's cock pulse. God, *yes*.

Has to use both hands to brace himself, get a better
position, an angle to that *spot*.

And fucks him.


Desperate little breaths under him, dragged out, almost
sounds. Oz's legs are *clamped* around his hips, just
hanging on. Riding it from underneath. Just breathing
close and warm in Xander's ear, ragged whenever he goes in.

But if he changes the angle...

It's not quite a word, but it's a lot more than silence,
bigger than a moan. Two-syllabled, catching in the
middle. Somebody's name, but the rhythm could be his or
Willow's. Fucks in like that again and just gets a
wordless throat-noise in answer. Does it *hard*, keeps
shifting. Gonna get a reaction or kill them both.

Clamped arms around his neck, dragging him down into a
kiss. All of Oz wrapped around him and hanging on so
*tight*. Pulling where Xander's pushing back for leverage.

Jerks back, losing the arms. Legs still around his hips,
but that's just giving him this angle he needs. God, he
can get so *deep* like this. Like there's no limit to the
place he's reaching.

Oz under him, jerking back and forth and yeah,
whimpering. Salt-skin smell that could be just sweat or
sex between them. Hot when Xander bends and licks from eye
to jaw. Tongue just brushing Oz's mouth. God, fuck him
fuck him fuck him he's so *good*. Working back, getting it
as deep as he can. Still twisting on the soft van floor and
mouthing something over and over again, and Xander has to
knock him actually *back* with a thrust before he can hear


*Fuck* him.

Xander bends in. Gets all his weight on one arm. Pulls
those little legs tighter around his waist, lifts his hips,
and drives *down* inside. Damn him for the bastard he's
been all night, and damn him for making gardenia into the
smell of sex forever. Isn't even possible that he'll be
able to stand next to Willow without thinking about this.
Oz under him with his mouth and eyes both open.

Leans in and kisses him. Wide-open and pushing wider and
Oz does this kind of silent-scream into his mouth and laces
his fingers into Xander's hair.

Best kiss of his life. Gentling it down, making it the
other half of this almost-brutality. Make Oz *want* him.

Make Oz want *him*.

Slows his hips a bit. Makes the thrusts deliberate, makes
the angle count. Gets little moans that Oz doesn't seem to
be able to stop as long as his mouth is open, and a kind of
extended sound that could be a word if Xander were willing
to give him his lips back.

Not gonna. As long as he hangs onto it, it's his. Maybe
the only thing he'll own tonight.

And maybe that's the point. Just a quick reminder of
everything Xander's never had and never will have. Willow,
who hadn't hesitated to distance herself from Xander, even
though it was her, *too*. And she was the one. And he
wanted her so *badly*, so close, and so beautiful in a way
that suddenly he could see --

Pulls off long enough for a breath and Oz is screaming and
Xander's still fucking him. Hard, hard he's gonna feel it.
He's gonna remember, oh God, there's gonna be. Something
like a reckoning.

Comes groaning and shuddering, still pumping into Oz and he
can feel it getting hotter, getting slicker until he has to
jerk with it.

Until he can't stand it anymore and he can finally slow his
hips down and half-collapse, turning them onto their sides.

Wet twist and release making them both moan, Oz moaning.

Because of him.

But still so hard...

And Xander's eyes are squeezed shut despite the dark, and
his hands are clumsy and only vaguely attached to the rest
of him, but he still reaches between them.

Strokes Oz who's still moaning. Still. Oh, God, still
feeling him and Xander has to move, change position, get
down, go down.

On Oz. Salt-sour taste rocking him but he can't move his
mouth. Sucking hard on the head and stroking him and maybe
moaning himself until Oz comes in his mouth.

Xander chokes a little. Swallows and just keeps sucking
until Oz pushes him away.

And there's a moment where, if they both started putting
their clothes back on, if they both just *moved* then maybe
this could have not happened. But they don't.

And eventually they're just lying there, breathing.
Accidental touches and the vaguely raw feel of Xander's
cock and whatever Oz is feeling.


Tiny nagging voice that keeps shouting that Xander *hurt*
him. Older, smarter, stronger, but he's so *little*.
Tight little body curled up on the pile of clothes, arms
around his knees. On his side. Either tired or aching or
most probably both. Curve of his shoulder catching some
source of light or other, just this pale shape in the dark.

That Xander slides in behind. Kisses the back of that
neck. Pets his chest and belly and doesn't touch his
cock. Careful of his ass. Just nuzzling in the dark. A
bit dizzy himself, but he thinks that's probably got as
much to do with this evening's smack on the head as what's
happened since.

Little roll that lays Oz very carefully on his back,
looking up at Xander through dimly visible, serious eyes.
Waiting for him to get it, whatever 'it' currently is.

And oddly, in this moment, he wants to give. Give Oz
Willow, their friendship, the safety of it that's usually
all the safety he's got. Give him anything. He's starting
to understand why Willow loves Oz.

He wants to make Oz one of their treehouse people. Let
Willow bandage his skateboard-skinned knees, because you
just *know* he skated until he was old enough to drive.
Have him play dress-up with them. The wolf-that-ate-granny-
and-put-on-her-clothes. Disturbing in that hysterically
cheerful kid-world kind of way.

Get Mrs. Rosenberg in one of her vaguely motherly moments
to dump all three of them in the bathtub while they were still
yardape-sized preschoolers, let them splash the layers of
dirt off each other and touch carelessly and scramble
around until somebody hits their head, and it all ends in
tears, but not the fuck-you-forever kind.

Sleepover with him piled on the couch with sleeping bags
and loose popcorn in their pajamas.

But it didn't happen that way, and instead they're... well,
they're pretty much cuddling in the back of Oz's van, and
Xander's betrayed more people tonight than he'd thought
he'd ever be close to.

King of Cretins.

This is one of the times when he wonders if he was born
solely to turn everyone else's life to shit. Self-serving,
yeah, but right now it makes a lot of sense.

But Oz is breathing easier now, and he's not curled as
tight, and maybe at some point Xander will get home and
this day will *end*.

It has to, right?

Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe this is one of those things
where someone watched Groundhog Day or something on the
exact center of the Hellmouth with the moon in the seventh
house and a coven eaten by demons and the planets in
alignment and whatever the hell else and it'll just keep

Until he's so tired that it doesn't matter if anything
makes sense, and he can erase himself from the world with a
minimum of fuss. Heh. Suicidal ideation. Yes, Ms. Guidance
Counselor, I *was* paying attention, do I get a gold star?

A pat on the head?

A do-over?

Right now, what he really needs is for Oz to stay exactly
where he is and let Xander hold him. Pretend it's okay in
some heretofore undiscovered way.

So, of course, what happens is that Oz wriggles out of his
grip. Sits up with a hiss of obvious pain that makes Xander
want to brain himself with a crowbar, and starts putting on
his clothes.

Making it necessary that Xander begin to do the same.
Fumbling in the dimness until Oz just hands him his

And Xander does his best not to shake.

Not even when Oz starts the van up with a coughing roar and
they're leaving Makeout Land for Sunnydale proper.

Can't bring himself to get up there and sit in the
passenger's seat like a human being. Like a friend. Just
sits cross-legged in the dark and leans a bit against Oz's
seat. Because apparently he can't help himself.

Follows the turns in his head. He doesn't have anything
like a perfect sense of direction, but a lot of this is
familiar. Well-trodden, if not exactly safe, ground.

Two streets into town, and a couple of corners before
Xander's well and truly lost. But he could probably get
lost between home and the mall, given the chance.

Just settles down in the loose clothes and figures he'll
stay there until Oz kicks him out. Dozes some. His head
hurts enough that he probably shouldn't, but consciousness
hasn't done him so many favours lately.

Wakes up with Oz crouched over him. Stiff-backed in a way
that screams about how much he must hurt. That makes him
want to crawl up, lick Oz starting at his very bare ankles.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah. I know."

Fingers tangle briefly in his hair and then Oz helps him
up. Out of the van, and yeah, it's his street. Looks
different, something about the light. Makes him wonder
what time it is. He's so *tired*. Wants to sleep. Wants
to sleep with *Oz*, if he's blunt about it, this new want
he's just learning, not to be left alone at night.

Or, no. Not learning just now. He remembers it from when
he was really, really small. The night he was five and he
got himself out of bed and let himself outside and walked
the twelve blocks to Willow's in the middle of the night,
that was the first time. Even if he didn't quite get the
nerve up to knock once he was there. Just sort of sat
there, on the Rosenberg's patio furniture in the back yard,
and tried to think of something he could say that would make
Willow let him in.

Sometime in the really early morning when Willow got up and
saw him. God, she was so *pretty* when she was little. All
big eyes and tangled red hair that shouldn't have tangled,
being straight as it was. Came down and let him in and
took him back upstairs with her. And tucked him in with
her stuffed animals. Curled up in her bed and dozed while
she laid on the floor with her nightie hiked up around her
thighs, reading with that way-too-smart-little-girl

Probably more like eight o'clock when she got up and
crawled up and laid beside him.

Thinking about that while he looks at Oz. Who looks
terrible under the street light. Bruised eyes and raw
mouth and those white-raw streaks that mean he's probably
been crying, though Xander thinks maybe he'll try not to
notice that part.

If he could just *ask*.

And maybe for a minute he thinks he can. The two of them
just standing there, waiting for Xander to figure out what
to say that could make this. Well, not better. Xander may
be an idiot, but he knows enough to understand that there's
no better here.

But tolerable would be nice. Livable. But something that's
probably a liquor bottle crashes just far enough behind him
to be in his kitchen, and when he turns back around Oz is
looking away.

Moment passed.

"I don't know if I can forgive you, Xander."

"I know."

And Oz nods, steps back into his van, and drives away.