Xagnar, the Vamnpyrre Sleigher and the Eye of the Potatoe
by the Webrain
April 2001

Disclaimers: They all belong to Joss, the big poopy-head.

Spoilers: None.

Ratings Note: PG-13.

Summary: The battle is joined.

Authors' Note: Well, it's been a tough few months for us, and this is our
first collaboration in a while. It... well, it really means a lot to us, you
know? We put our hearts and souls into this one. Be gentle.


Xagnar looked over the forces he'd arrayed. The witches were new, and the
stink of their magic made his nose itch and his mighty thews tremble. But
there was nothing to be done, as only White Magic could defeat the liked of
Elzar del Rayn and his evil lover Gilles, Owner of the Magic Shoppe.

Drops of sweat as big as junior mints dropped in the dry dust under and
around his leather sandal with straps clad feet.

Xagnar reached down to stroke his loyal wolf-boy, massive knuckles cracking
as he petted and nearly crushed Ozzalan's skull. Night was falling from
the sky, striking the unwary with huge bricks of indigo.

"resuz riced, ragnar! ratch rose randz!" snarled Ozzalan through the
teeth stretched lips of his unimaginably wide mouth which could not be
imagined by any mind of normal and not superhuman or even large size.

"Sorry, Ozzallan, you know I've vowed to never use my incredible strength
for evil!"

Suddenly from the lips of the nearest witch mouth the words of her
speaking came out! "Ware, evil wizards, for all nineteen of our patron
goddesses have given us the power to beat you back into hell! HELL, I

With darkness came not only gargantuan contusions, but also huge, dark
waves of power, black as a raven's wing. Blacker even than the Great
Black mountains of impossible Blackness where Evil dwells in his castle of
Ultimate Blackness, where the sun it never shines!

"Fie! Xagnar.  Eeeet eees tiiiiimeeeee." said, Tara, teeth bared in a
ravenous smile and also just bared because she had no lips.

Suddenly bombs of flame blasted from the air!

Thunderous thundering thunder rocked the very ground!

"Hey, what's the up?" simpered Buffy, her long, flowing waves of blonde hair
rippling in the evil-sent wind, blending nicely with her pink and also flowing
scanty robes.

"Princess Buffy! You must not be so close to the battle! All will truly be lost
if you die!

"Fine, yell-boy. Call me when something interesting happens."

"Aye! I will!" And Xagnar wiped a powerful tear from his muscular eye,
remembering the way the Princess always used to serenade him: "Oh
Xagnar...well you came and you slew without shaking...  But I sent you
away, oh Xagnar..."

Suddenly, the fearsome Angelus appeared in front of Xagnar, encrusted
 with weapons and also mud as he'd been hiding in the dirt!

"Xagnar! Let the wizards fight with words, it is you I wish to fight!


"Ow! Thrice-accursed moles of the white!"

"Your hair is tall and ugly with worm-droppings! No wonder the moles plague
you as I shall also plague you! Have at you, you!"


And at they did have.


"Ozzalan! To me!!"



"Ron't rorry, ragnar! r'ill rave roo!"



Ozzalan's long canines sunk deep into the mouldering leather of Angeluses
deeply veigned thew just as Xagnar swung his mighty toonsword!

Angeluses hands wrapped deeply around Ozzalan's might neck of fur and
sinew.  He squeezed!


Angelus plucked a shield from his man-boob and held it out, never letting go
of the man-dog biting his man-leg. CHRANG! went the sound of metal on metal
cause that's kinda how it sounds and also SCREEE!

"Rye rears!" whinnied Ozzalan. He was thankful for the cup protecting his
other man parts.

Unfortunately Xagnar was wielding a pot of hot coffee!


But e'en with his mighty forces arrayed, there was no hope lest they
recapture the mysterious Eye of Potato!

"No, good Ozzalan, fall back! I would never forgive myself if you were
killed and unable to warm the Princess' impossibly huge bed with me!"

"Hey, what about us?" asked the witches, Taraqan the Lipless grinning in

"Nay, wenches.  Though your bosoms heave and you are scantily clad, my
heart belongs to Princess Buffy! As do my mighty thews!"

"And I!!! Mighty I!" Ezaran thundered.  "Over here!  With the big cannons
pointed at you.  Moron."

"Can I have it? Your heart, that is." asked Buffy, munching mightily on a

"It was only a one night stand, evil wizard, and Gilles is better than you,

Buffy's bosoms heaved.

Xagnar's mighty sinews trembled.

"I knew I shouldn't have had that last burrito!" Xagnar howled, farting
mightily at Ozzalan!

Ozzalan howled, yarking out gobbets of Undead flesh. "roh *ran*. Rhat ris
ro *foul*"

"Yag, my spine." said Angelus "My mighty man bosoms have yanked it out
of alignment!"

"Yield, black demon!"

"I'm actually kinda pale..."

"These folk are mighty strange, Biff."

"I agree, Chad.  Let's make like a drum and get out of here!"


April Fools from your Webrain, jerking off just for *you*.