Silver Age Parenting
by Te
January 2005

Note: Complete silliness.


Barry: "I *swear*, where's Dr. Spock when you need him?"

Hal: "What's up?"

Ollie: "Dr. Spock? Anything we should know about Iris?"

Hal: *snort*

Ollie: *wink*

Barry: *GLARE*

Ollie: "Fine, fine, what's the trouble with Wally?"

Barry: "I -- you and Bruce have it *easy* --"

Bruce: *appears, battishly* "How is that?"

Barry: "Your kids are human, you know what they're going
through, you've *been* there."

Ollie: *snort* "C'mon, that Wally seems normal enough. A
little jittery, but hey --"

Barry: "*I* was human when I was his age, and he's just --"
*flustered gesture of Barrence-ness*

Hal: *rubs Barry's shoulder* "Did he vibrate through another
one of your cabinets again?"

Barry: "No."

Ollie: "Iris'?"

Barry: "No --"

Bruce: "Have you considered experiments --"

Barry: "*NO*!"

Hal: "Easy, easy, what --"

Barry: "None of you have any *idea* what it's like to work with
a boy who has to... to..." *tiny gesture of slightly less

Bruce: *EYEBROW*

Ollie: *double eyebrow*

Barry: "*Anyway*. Seventeen *times* before he can even focus
enough to say, 'sorry, Uncle Barry, I can't really think right now.'"

Ollie: "Whoa-ho-ho..."

Bruce: "Hm." *the hm of 'Dick is usually entirely functional after 7'*

Hal: *scrunch-face* "Wait, are we talking about..." *GESTURE*

Barry: *blush* "YES! I... yes."

Ollie: *snickering helplessly*

Hal: *blinking*

Bruce: *eyebrow*

Hal: "Seven*teen*? Really?"

Barry: "On average. I --"

Ollie: "You did the *math*?"

Barry: *GLARE*

Ollie: "Okay, okay, ease up there Officer Anal. I was just askin'."

Bruce: "It's... getting in the way of his duties?"

Barry: "What? No! Not really. He's a *good* kid. Really *tries*."

Bruce: "Maybe *trying* isn't --"

Barry: "*Watch* it, Bruce. Wally's *fine*."

Bruce: "Which is why you're in this state, of course."

Hal: "Hey, hey, now, Barry's got a point. It's a whole new world. All of
us with powers *got* them as adults. These kids are going through
things no one else has *ever* gone through before."

Ollie: *grunt* "Kinda makes you wonder what the kids get up to in
that Tower of theirs."

Everyone: "..."

Barry: "I..."

Hal: "Hey, they're *kids* --"

Bruce: *blink* <--behind the cowl, no one can see it

Ollie: "Look, I don't know about tall, grim, and repressed here, but all
three of *us* were fifteen once upon a time. Am I right?"

Hal: *sigh* "Did I ever tell you about Billie Lewis? She had the
*sweetest* --"

Bruce: "Hal."

Hal: *koff* "Right, okay. So... I mean... wow, Barry. The poor kid!"

Barry: "Exactly. He does about three loads of laundry every *day* --
and sometimes I catch him going to the *laundromat* -- and he's still
getting *used* to his powers. The last time he kissed a girl..."

Ollie: "Yeah?"

Barry: "She didn't remember anything after regaining consciousness,
thankfully. I'm pretty sure Wally convinced her she'd gotten hit in the
face with a. Well, with a soccer ball."

Hal: *tiny choke*

Barry: *GLARE*

Ollie: *clears throat -much- too loudly*

Barry: *GLARE*

Ollie: "No, no, I'm sympathetic. I mean, sure, I just introduced Roy to
a few of my lady-friends, and *that* went fine, but..."

Bruce: "Are you talking about *prostitutes*?"

Ollie: "Everybody has to eat, Bruce. We didn't *all* get born with a
silver spoon in our mouths, you know --"

Bruce: "No. Just you and *I*."

Ollie: "That's what I meant, you sanctimonious --"

Barry: "*People*."

Ollie: "That's probably *why* your Robin is such a strange -- heh --
duck. You've got him wearing those panties so tight he doesn't --"

Bruce: *GRIM*

Barry: "*Ollie!*"

Ollie: "What kid in his right mind would *choose* to go around dressed
like that?"

Hal: "Well, Garth does --"

Ollie: "You're just making my point *for* me."

Barry: "Can we please get back to the topic? Please?"

Ollie: "Okay, okay, your boy is attempting to make fire with his right
hand and his wing-wang. He *can't* just get a woman."

Bruce: *silent, but considering, not for the first time, how to maim his
team-mates, and anyway Roy's uniform is -yellow-*

Hal: "Did you just say 'wing-wang?'

Ollie: "Stay on *topic*, greenjeans! The kid needs our help!"

Bruce: "*Have* you done any studies on the boy's physiology? There
could --"

Barry: "Wally is not going under a microscope!"

Bruce: *EYEBROW*

Hal: "Look, Wally *is* a Titan. Those kids *do* live with each other a lot
of the time. Heck, they probably know more about each other's powers
than *we* do."

Bruce: "You're not suggesting --"

Hal: "Hey, they're our -- well, *your* -- responsibility. We could do worse
by them than giving 'em a few pamphlets and a crate of condoms."

Barry: "Possibly three crates."

Ollie: *SNICKER*

Bruce: "I see. And have you considered how *Wonder Woman* will
react to this little plan?"

Everyone: *pause*

Bruce: "Unless Hal *didn't* just suggest encouraging our wards and
partners to molest Wonder Girl as often as possible."

Ollie: "Hey, now, Donna's a free, liberated young woman of the --"

Barry: "Oh, keep it in your *pants*, Queen! For *once*!"

Ollie: "*Hal* and I are the ones trying to come up with a *solution*
here, Barrence!"

Hal: "Maybe the Titans could, you know, recruit *more* girls? Women.
Ladies. Girls."

Bruce: "Meta-human prostitutes. *That's* an improvement."

Ollie: "Don't knock it --"

Bruce: "Oliver."

Ollie: "I'm just *saying*."

Barry: "Ollie!"

Ollie: "Well, make *Bats* come up with a suggestion, then. He *is*
supposed to be the smart one."

Barry: *tears at crew-cut quietly for a moment, then looks plaintively
at Bruce*

Hal: *quietly thinking of Billie's sweet --*

Bruce: "Even assuming Diana wouldn't geld all of us for thinking of it,
and that Donna herself was... amenable, it would be biologically
impractical, to say the least."

Ollie: *frown* "You *have* seen her fight, right?"

Hal: *snaps out of it* "No, wait, Bruce is right. I read about this."
*gesture* "Sexual peak thing, right?"

Barry: "You *do* read it for the articles?"

Ollie: "The ones with 'sex' in the title --"

Hal: "Hey!"

Bruce: "In *any* event, the entire idea is unworkable."

Ollie: "And yet you *still* haven't come up with anything better."

Bruce: "One, Wally -- and the others, as far as we know -- are already
doing all right on their own."

Barry: "Do you know how *quickly* linen gets threadbare when you're
washing it every other day? *I* didn't. *Iris* informed me --"

Bruce: "Two, none of them would appreciate us having even *considered*
having this conversation."

Hal: "We *have* to help these kids out, Bruce --"

Bruce: "Three, we *have* all been fifteen years old. We *all* made it out
alive." *LOOK at Ollie* "Somehow."

Ollie: "Are you -- *you* -- seriously suggesting that the rest of *us* butt
the hell out?"

Barry: "Seventeen *times*, Bruce! First round!"

Hal: "*First* round? How is he staying *hydrated*?"

Barry: "We spent four thousand dollars on Zesti-Ade last year, Hal."

Ollie: *low, appreciative whistle*

Hal: "*Anyway*, is it really *responsible* for us to just let them... figure it
out on their own?"

Bruce: "Gentlemen, at this point it's the most responsible thing we *can* do.
Believe me when I say that I'm no happier about it than the rest of you. But
I trust Dick, and Barry trusts Wally, and the others trust *their* wards. At
this point, I believe it's the best we can do."

Everyone: *thoughtful pause*

Barry: "I... you're right. I think." *frown*

Ollie: *claps Bruce on the shoulder* "Well, Bats, I gotta admit I didn't think
you had it in you."

Hal: "Really? Seriously?"

Ollie: "I still say it wouldn't be a *bad* idea to stock the Tower up with

Barry: *frown* "There are... so *many* ways the kids could take that
badly --"

Ollie: "Badly is their problem. *Safely* is ours. *Whatever* they wind up

Bruce: "Hm. Agreed." *silently plans to show Dick the filmstrips collected
on the effects of syphilis*

Hal: "Well, guardians know best, I guess. Man, I think I'm gonna have to
*kiss* Itty when I get home."

Bruce: "Perhaps Ollie could introduce it to some of his starfish friends."

Ollie: "Oh, now you're just asking for it."