Scenes of an Awkward Love
by Te
April 2003

Several days ago, Minitrog introduced me to The Fast Show (British sketch comedy),
and in so doing, introduced me to Sir and Ted, whose pure pure love crosses class
boundaries with a single awkward stammer.

Well, okay, several awkward stammers. Deeply, deeply awkward stammers. Deeply.

Sir is Lord Ralph Mayhew, earnest to the point of pain. Ted is... Ted. Estate worker
desperate to retain something close to a formal relationship with his employer.
Ted's failure is Sir's bliss. Slash ensues. No, really, slash *ensues*.

Intro to the couple here. My take?


"I *say*, Ted, it's a lovely day isn't it?"
"Just perfect for a picnic. A little al *fresco* dining, eh, Ted, eh?"
"I wouldn't know about that, sor."
"Oh. Er... no. No, of course not. Still, I've got this basket here. Nothing fancy.
Just a bit of caviar, a modest bubbly I think you'll find amusing."
"... I have a sandwich, sor."

"Right, right, of course. *Mrs* Ted will have been packing that for you, I
"Yes, sor."
"Right. I'll just... um. I'll be near the orchard. If you... well, if you need me."


"Oh! Oh, dear me, I'm *sorry*, Ted, I had no idea you'd be here, in the showers.
Naked. I mean, that is to say, I'm sure you take all your showers naked. Only
a fool would do... er... it with his clothes on, right? Right? Ha ha!"
"Oh. Oh. I expect you want me to leave you naked. I mean alone! Alone!
Because there's no reason whatsoever you would be here naked if you were.
Uh. Waiting for... someone. Waiting for someone. Why, you'd be waiting for
Mrs Ted. Not that I'm implying --"
"Oh yes, I'll just be... well, I'll just be naked. Leaving! Not naked and *not*
leaving. I mean yes leaving. Definitely."


"Er... Ted."
"... sir."
"I don't believe I've ever told you how sorry I am for your. Well, for your
loss. Mrs Ted was --"
"You have, sir."
"Excuse me?"
"Several times, sir."

"Oh. Well, yes. It's just that she was a *fine* woman, a *good* woman, a
credit to our little... well, to the household, and I wanted you to know. That is,
I think you *should* know how much. Er. Well, she'll be missed."
"Yes, sir."
"And and... I think you know how. Um. I think you know that I'm... here for
you. Here... for you. The way. Um. Men of the world... uh. Friends! The way
friends can be. There for. Each other in times of... stress. And... need."

"I don't know about that, sir."
"... well. Just the same. I... yes. You could.... should... no, I *insist* you
come up to the house for a brandy tonight, Ted."
"... sir?"
"No fit night to be alone, if I do say so myself. And I do. Say. So. Yes, well.
See you at nine!"


"Would you like it if I. If I... that is, would you like me to... I mean, I don't
have to... but if *you'd* like me to, I could. Er. *Here*."
"Yes, Ted?"
"Was that...? I mean, not that you don't have the most *expressive* face,
Ted, especially in your. Um. Eyebrows. And mouth. And... nose. But... I
just think I need. I mean, there are other signs and er... portents which
one, when in a situation like this one, could possibly read, but I don't want
to seem presumptuous, if you know what I'm saying."

"Oh, *my* Ted!"
"... do you think I should shut up now? Because I could --"
*pointed noises*
"Right then, Ted, as you were!"