Disclaimers: No one and nothing here is mine.
Spoilers/Timeline: Vague ones for older storylines. Set
sometime after the "Role Call" and "A Kid's Game" trades,
but *before* NIGHTWING #87, "War Drums," and pretty
much everything else.
Summary: It's never a good idea to drink with Roy.
Ratings Note: Just a bit dirty. Mostly harmless, though.
Author's Notes: It's also never a good idea to share my
cracktastic thoughts with Betty, Zee, and LC. Because they
Acknowledgments: Love to all of the above for
encouragement and audiencing. Or hate. One of those.
It's never a good idea to drink with Roy.
It doesn't actually matter that Roy doesn't *try* to get Dick
drunk anymore -- mainly because Dick knows *Roy* has
known since they were teenagers that there's no real effort
involved. It's still just a bad idea.
He's had two beers, and he's still *lucid*, and he's not
feeling the urge to do anything... he's not that drunk yet.
"Wait, wait, are you telling me that you actually have a
*list* of people who are allowed to release your little bro
from the crushing burden of his virginity?"
-- he suspects he's drunk enough. "Well, I... it's not like... I
mean, I don't spend hours thinking about it, or anything."
He has to change the subject. He really --
"But you *did* think about it at least once."
Really has to change the subject. "It's not -- it's not that
interesting," he says.
And he really doesn't need Roy's capital-L look to know that
attempt was lame.
"No, really, I mean, it's just that he's my little *brother*,
Roy. I mean, I want to make sure he's... um."
"Taken care of...?"
And really, only Roy could make those three words sound
so *sleazy*. Probably it's the way he's actually waggling
his eyebrows. "Roy --"
"*Eased* into manhood?"
"Jesus, Roy --"
Dick throws his gauntlet at Roy's face.
Roy catches it in his teeth. And winks.
"It's just a --"
"List," Roy says, pulling the gauntlet out of his mouth and
spinning it around a little before tossing it back over his
shoulder. "Which implies more than one person."
The eyebrows are going to kill him, but Dick only has one
"Now, you already mentioned that Robin has a girl out
"Spoiler," Dick says, and derailing this conversation is the
better part of valor. "Who he loves. He told me. They're
really close. And I think it would be a good thing --"
"It's always better when you care about the person," Roy
says, solemnly enough that Dick gets suspicious.
He looks at Roy.
Roy grins, slow and wide and a little wet-looking around
his teeth. "Of course, if that *doesn't* work out --"
"They're *fine* --"
"*You* have some suggestions lined up."
"Well, I just -- it can be really *difficult* if you feel lonely --"
" -- and I don't want him to get *hurt*," Dick says, glaring
a little. "There's nothing wrong with that."
Roy puts his hands up between them. There's a fresh beer
in one of them. "I'm not saying there is, 'mano. I just
wanna know --"
Dick grabs the beer and drinks.
"-- who *else* is on it."
Dick takes another swallow. He can't talk if he's drinking.
It would be -- it would be *messy*.
"I mean, now that *I* think about, I can come up with a
few suggestions. Like --"
"Don't tell me," Dick says, gasping. He'd swallowed too
Roy gives him another look.
"I'm serious. Please. I don't -- I don't wanna know."
The look gets... louder. Or possibly bigger. No, definitely
"I don't want to *picture* it," Dick says, and he knows he
sounds a little desperate.
And now the look is bigger *and* louder. "Except for the
people you've *already* pictured it with, naturally."
"Yes! I mean -- no. I didn't picture it! I just... I just thought
about it. I know my little brother --"
"And you totally have his best interests at heart --"
Roy nods slowly and leans back in his chair, spinning it a
little. "I totally understand."
Dick gives Roy a narrow look. Or... it's possible that it's
owlish. How is there only a swallow of beer left in his
"Seriously, short pants. I mean, *I* have a little brother,
Which is... well, that's true. Roy *had* mentioned how
difficult he'd found it to get Connor to... well, loosen up.
Of course he understands. Dick nods and drinks the last of
"I mean, our lives... they're kind of the best *and* worst
possible lives, you know?"
Dick nods again.
"So, of course you want to do anything you can to protect
Robin, and make sure --"
"Young Justice," Dick blurts.
Roy blinks at him. "The whole... all of them?"
The image in Dick's head... oh God. "No! I mean... well..."
"Because that could be..." Roy frowns. "*How* flexible --"
"Not all of them at once!"
Roy completely fails to stop snickering.
"Oh, c'mon, just try to imagine that phone call, man. 'Yeah,
guys? We need you to get back together again. No, no, not
for a mission or anything. It's just that your Robin's a virgin,
and it's pretty much down to you or his left --'"
Dick tosses the other gauntlet.
Roy dodges. "'Robin *needs* you --"
Dick starts yanking on one of his boots.
"Okay, okay! I get it. They were his team --"
"His *first* team," Dick says, and eyes his half-removed
boot. And then takes it off. And the other one.
"His *first* team, and they know him, and he knows them --
wait, just the original line-up, or...?"
"The original line-up. Or the sort-of original. I liked Empress.
I mean, the Ray's a good guy and all, but..."
Roy nods and tosses him another beer. "He's older."
Dick frowns. He really doesn't need another beer. "It's not
really the age... thing."
Roy opens his own on his boot. "No?"
"No. I mean... it's *better* if they're around the same age,
Roy gives him the 'keep-going' gesture. *With* the
Dick strongly suspects that if he were to try the same thing
right now there'd be a mess. He definitely needs to stop
drinking. If he just keeps holding the beer in his hand --
"So who *are* the older women? Huntress?"
"Jesus, Roy! No! Not -- I -- *no*."
Dick drinks a little more.
"So if *not* Huntress --"
"Cl -- Superman," and Dick's blurting again, and possibly
choking, but --
Well, Roy's choking, too.
That's *kind* of a victory.
"Are you *serious*?"
Dick nods and -- wait, he's not supposed to be drinking
"How -- wait -- I thought you said your little bro got *along*
with Huntress --"
Images, *images*. "He does --"
"And that he was kind of weirded *out* by Superman --"
"He is! But... well, he's *Superman*, Roy."
Roy's frowning at him a little. "But -- *Huntress*, man. She
knows her way around, and he *likes* her --"
"Not that way! Not -- definitely not that way!"
Roy raises an eyebrow at him. "Are you sure? I mean, she's
pretty damned stacked --"
"God -- *Roy* --"
"I'm just saying --"
"*I* had sex with Huntress!"
Roy rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I *know*, so what?"
"I -- it's --"
"What, she's no good?"
"No! I mean yes! I mean -- it's not that."
Roy eyes him kind of dubiously over the bottle. "Okay, fine,
no sloppy seconds for your little bro --"
"Roy -- *God* --"
Roy snickers again.
"I ought to tell her you *said* that --"
"But you totally won't, because then it'll come out that we
were talking about hooking her up with Robin --"
"*You* were --"
"Details," Roy says, and spins the chair a little more. "So
He's *Superman*. He's... oh, God. Dick's blushing. He can
*feel* it. And there are way too few shadows --
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back the Batmobile *up* --"
"You *totally* did some Kryptonian-human ambassador
work at some point, didn't you?"
"Oh, man, you *whore*!"
"You -- pot, Roy! Pot -- kettle --"
"*Details*. I just wanna know why sloppy --"
Dick tosses the boot. Roy catches it and tosses it back over
"Fine. *Why* does the Man of Steel -- no, wait, I need to --"
And Roy's laughing so hard he's *shaking*.
Dick focuses on his beer. If he drinks the beer, he doesn't
have to look at Roy. If he just keeps... damn. He's out of
"Okay. Okay. I'm -- I can breathe."
Dick glares at the empty bottle.
Roy nudges him with another. "So... it's *not* that he's
"No!" Dick grabs the beer and possibly wobbles a little on
his own chair, but only a little. "I mean. It's not the whole
The expression on Roy's face would be endearing, if it didn't
Well, Roy doesn't actually fall *out* of his chair when he
starts laughing again. Dick's just going to have to help next
time. Meanwhile, there's beer.
"Okay -- I got it now. I'm okay. You want your little brother
to have a *good* time --"
"Of *course* I do!"
"And also Superman's a good guy, and he knows all of you --
some of you *really* well --"
"Roy, I am not too drunk to *hurt* you --"
"And, okay, I get it."
Roy's eyes get a little wide in that really *bad* impression
of innocence he does.
"I do! I do get it! Ollie always *said* you guys got along
really well with Big Blue -- oh God, I'm sorry, Dick, you
can't *blame* me --"
Dick kicks Roy's chair -- not *very* hard -- and yes, this
time Roy does fall off.
He just doesn't stop laughing.
And he rolls before Dick can kick *him*.
He's still laughing when he climbs back on the chair, wiping
beer and spit off his face with the back of his hand. His eyes
have that hectic light they get sometimes which used to
Well, it used to mean a lot of kind of terrible things, but it
"I have to know who else is on this list, man."
It *mostly* doesn't.
"We've got the former Young Justice orgy --"
"Not an *orgy* --"
"We've got the guy who hopefully isn't *always* faster than
a speeding bullet --"
"Are you *twelve*?"
"I absolutely am, and I'm okay with that, because *you*
have totally spent time thinking about your little brother
and the Supererection, which means I have the moral
high ground, here."
"Oh, I do. I so do."
Dick scowls. "He's *Superman*. It's not like a guy could
Roy's attempt at nodding solemnly kind of fails miserably.
Dick knows he should be thinking something about how
it's the thought that counts, but... no.
"You know, they say Supes can *hear* you, anywhere on
the planet if you call him."
"He doesn't always *listen* --"
"But -- heh -- now I'm kind of wondering if he is *now*."
"'Hello, Robin, I just want you to know that if you ever
*do* want me to pop that cherry of yours --'"
"He wouldn't *say* that!"
"*God*, you're easy --"
Dick has no boots left, but at least this one catches Roy
square in the chest. It doesn't make him drop his beer,
though. Maybe if he wraps cloth around the bottles he can
start throwing those. Dick thinks about it.
Dick thinks really, *really* hard about it.
"Aw, c'mon, if there *wasn't* anyone else, you would've
just said --"
Roy sprays beer.
"Don't start --"
"Are you *shitting* me --"
"He's *Robin*, Roy."
"So were *you* --"
"Yeah. And you were *Speedy*."
And okay, he definitely drank too much.
But... Roy isn't laughing anymore. Dick's almost *sure* it
had seemed like a good idea to make that happen. He's
just not sure what his reasoning was.
And it's... really quiet for a while. He can hear the slight
creak of Roy's chair, and the whispering scream of Roy's
gauntlets on his the thighs of his uniform, and -- he can't
really stand it.
"Roy, I'm -- that was out of line."
"Yeah, but which of us were you *fucking* with, man?" The
laugh is kind of cracked and hollow, like maybe things are
falling out of it that Dick doesn't want to think about, but...
it's a laugh.
Dick smiles back, and he's pretty sure it's weak. "Both of
Roy looks at him for a really long moment before nodding.
"So... okay. Anyone else really kind of *disturbing* on that
list?" And Roy hands him another beer.
Dick really shouldn't -- he takes it and laughs. "Well, I'm
pretty sure Robin thinks Kory's a little disturbing, but I
think he'd get over it."
Roy chokes on his beer, but manages to swallow it. "Well...
yeah. Kory." He shakes his head and grins. "*Kory*?"
Dick spreads his hands -- he only spills a little beer -- and
smiles. "You were *there* when she talked about how
seriously the Tamaranians take a kid's first time."
"I -- yeah, okay. Man. There was a whole *ritual*
Dick grins a little wider. "A really *thorough* ritual --"
"Which you totally and completely know from experience,
God, you *bastard*."
Dick snorts a little beer up his nose, which is painful but
also kind of good.
"Man, I... maybe I should suggest it to Connor. He *likes*
"It's a thought," Dick says, and lets his head fall back some.
The servos Indigo has running around the base do a really
good job of keeping the ceilings dust free. He should thank
her for them, or... something. He's really kind of warm.
"God, I... how many people are *on* that list of yours,
Dick doesn't shake his head so much as let it roll back and
forth on his neck. "That's it, I swear."
And Roy's voice is a little... offended? Dick sits up again and
blinks a bit. "Well... yeah?"
"What about Connor? What about *Mia*?"
Dick blinks more. "Well, Mia's -- he hardly *knows* Mia."
"He hardly knows *Kory* --"
"*I* know Kory."
Roy scowls at him.
"You're pissed at me? Because I don't have any *Arrows*
on the list?"
"What, we're not *good* enough for you? Hell, what about
"You -- you want to have sex with my little *brother*?"
"That's not the point! Unless you've totally *asked* all
these people if they'd hit it with Robin, in which case you
will never have the moral high ground *again* --"
"I didn't ask them!"
Roy spreads his hands, and this time he *does* slosh his
beer. "My *point*, 'mano!"
"I -- I just..."
Roy is still glaring at him.
"Jesus, Roy, I was just trying to think about what I know
about Tim, and what I know about the others, and..."
"I -- okay. Connor."
Roy looks dubious.
"I mean it! Connor's on the list now. I promise."
"Okay. That's... that's fair. And Connor *likes* Robin, too,
by the way."
"Really? Oh -- that's right, they *did* work together back
during that Brotherhood of the Fist thing --"
Roy takes another drink and nods. "Not *teammates*, but,
you know, they could have a thing."
"You're right, I should've thought about it."
"Yes, you should've, and --" Roy snorts. "Please tell me I
can share this conversation with Connor."
"Please. I'll do your laundry. I'll polish your escrima sticks --
wow, I really need to be sober enough to remember that
euphemism for later --"
"It would *kill* Robin to find out about this conversation --"
"Connor would *never* tell, I swear, he's so good like that,
it's what makes him *perfect* for the kid --"
"Pretty please. With sugar all the fuck *over* it, oh God, I
need to see his *face* --"
"Jesus, fine, you can tell him. Just make sure he knows if
he hurts my little brother --"
"I wasn't going to throw him into *bed* with the kid --"
"-- I will break his *hands*."
Roy hisses between his teeth. "That's cold."
Dick glares -- it's getting a little difficult, but he manages. "I
will. And you *know* you'd do the same --"
"Just like I *know* Connor would break his *own* hands
before he did anything to hurt *anyone*. He doesn't even
like beating up supervillains that much, man. You *know*
Roy raises both eyebrows at him. "Okay?"
"Okay," Dick says again.
Dick nods and lets himself slide down a little in the chair,
just enough that he can use the top of it for a head-rest.
He's not tired, but he is...
Well, he's drunk.
Definitely, completely --
"Did we just, like, make a pact to match-make our little
-- drunk. "I... I think we did."
"Man, I... wow. Wow."
Definitely drunk. And also wow.
That ceiling really is *very* clean.
"Wait, if team's that important, what about Batgirl? And
It's... images. Jesus. Images. Too many --
"*Is* Oracle -- well, it's humanoid, right?"
"I -- yeah. And..." And probably *recording*, because Dick's
known for years that he's bugged six ways from Sunday.
"Oracle -- not -- not a good plan."
Because I'm in love with her. Because -- God, they *do*
get along. Better than he does with Babs, sometimes these
days, and --
"Still with me, 'mano?"
"Yeah, I..." He should be able to *tell* Roy this. God, at
*this* point, he should... Roy knows *Bruce*.
But he doesn't know Oracle, and even now there are secrets
Dick has to keep. There are parts of his life he's not allowed
to *share* --
"I can't -- I can't tell you why," he says, and lets himself
wince exactly as much as he wants to.
Roy just laughs, though, easy and quiet. "Man, I knew we'd
hit the Black Wall of Bat at *some* point. Okay. And
"Um. Robin's kind of scared of her, actually."
"I'm... I can't say I don't understand. A little."
Roy snickers. "Okay, so I'm already half in love with her."
For a minute, Dick kind of can't help picturing it. He has
no *idea* what Cass would make of *Roy*, but... "Yeah,
I think you'd like her a lot, actually."
Roy nudges Dick's thigh with the toe of one of his boots,
making Dick's chair spin. "You should bring her for a visit."
The Outsiders... and Batgirl. Batgirl and the Outsiders. The
Outsiders... "I think I'm too drunk to picture that. Or maybe
not drunk enough."
And then, magically, there's a fresh beer in his hand.
"I have to sit up to drink that."
Roy grunts, grabs Dick's free hand, and pulls.
Dick blinks, wobbles -- balances. Right, beer. "I shouldn't
Dick frowns at Roy. "I'm *drunk*."
"You're bringing shame on yourself and everyone who
Roy reaches over and pushes -- gently -- on the bottom of
Roy is... that's a really dangerous looking smile.
That's a 'the spar started ten seconds ago and I'm about to
cause you pain' smile. That's --
"So why aren't *you* on the list?"
"I mean, you want to take *care* of your little brother."
"And it's really important that he *knows* the person --"
"I don't -- that's not -- I haven't thought --"
Roy kind of -- that's a leer.
"You're --" That's. That's a lot of images. A lot of...
That's a lot of images, and also there are thoughts.
He really -- he really didn't need the thoughts. "Oh, God."
Roy actually makes little 'hee hee' noises when he laughs
this time. Dick --
"I hate you."
Roy blows him a kiss.
Dick is never going to drink with Roy again. Ever. Not --